It's been awhile since I posted, because I've been kind of numb since my vacation. It wasn't really what I was expecting, and then again, it was exactly how I knew it really would be. Staying in New York was a disappointing and lonely as it was last year, only this time it was warm and humid, which was kind of a pain since I brought a winter coat with me and a bunch of sweaters. My hotel was very cute, which was a win. The first night I got in, I showered, which was a huge relief after the plane ride, then went to McDonald's, got dinner, and watched TV. I felt the East Coast vibe very strong, the autumn, leaves, scents in the air, etc.

I bought my aunt a gift at Bliss Spa for her birthday, and spent most of the next day just doing nothing. Eventually, finally, I took the subway to the West Village, where I met the guy named Steve five years ago. Going back to that locale was very strange. Also, it was hot out and my careful makeup, hair, etc, went to complete hell and I looked bad.

If you're by yourself, New York can be absolute hell in it's lonliness. You feel like the city is a living organism that will swallow you whole if you're not careful. That's how I was feeling, but I made it back to the West Village where I met this man whose name was Steve, 5 years ago. Walking around the neighborhood felt very familiar, and very horrible, too. I felt horrible feelings and the horror of that time: being broke, essentially homeless, sick with decay. I think when I met him I had been wearing the same outfit for 3 days because I had little to no clothes to wear. My hair was growing out from bad homemade cuts and dye jobs, and I remember that I had bobby pinned the sides of it up so it would look longer in the back. I had one green flip flops I bought at a J Crew around the corner from my sister's luxe high right apartment, the one that her and her jerk off husband couldn't really afford. Grifters r' us they were.

I have no sense of direction. It takes a long time for me to learn new places and neighborhoods, so I got somewhat lost, then all of a sudden, ended up on Greenwich Street. I walked down and found Johnny's Bar. It was the strangest moment. Not even surreal, just very, very odd. I felt nervous and hot, so I went to Starbucks, hoping I could find a table, sit, and think. Of course it was packed. I had the old horrible feelings of walking around Manhattan, observing all of the well-dressed people with good jobs, homes, friends, lives. It made me feel like dying. I guess I have come somewhat further than I was at that time.

Eventually, I did go inside, and the place seemed much smaller than I remembered. There was a group of college age people sitting at the end of the table, and a few lonely alcoholics. The place just seemed grungy and sad. I don't drink alcohol anymore, and haven't had any in almost five years. After taking a sip or two of a gin and tonic, I felt the alcohol take small effect, a slight blurring of my vision and a little bit of vertigo. I just ran out of that place and took the subway back to my hotel. New York is a horrible place to me, I'll never go back there. I hope to never go back again. At least I can move on now without the idea of a possibility that is so ridiclous in reality holding me back.

I've still had thoughts of this guy, though. Will they ever go away? Why is it I am still, sometimes, so enamored with a memory of someone I don't know? That sounds horrible because it kind of is. He's a real guy, off someplace, probably in New York, maybe with a family, or kids and an ex-wife, or a girlfriend and no kids, or who knows? I guess you can really fall dangerously in love with strangers. That love at first sight thing is really possible.

Today is just another day, however. A work day, the worst day. Tuesdays are awful. I am coming off of a short weekend, a nice night's sleep, and then I have to languish the day away and rest enough to be sharp for work at 11pm. I get paid Friday though, which is great, and I'm going to get my hair done, maybe get some new glasses or something.

I saw a movie about sex addiction and generally some very fucked up siblings yesterday. It was hard to watch but a good movie. Very kind of like this clinical documentary kind of experience, but when the main character actually felt powerful emotions, you kind of felt them with him or something. I might go see it again.

I've been taking a lot of self-portraits just to be aware of how fully ugly I am. I have some good angles, but mostly am not that attractive. I have messed up teeth. And they're just very prominent, big teeth, too. Crooked and just fucked up. Bad genes from my father's side of the family. My mother had almost perfect teeth, and a perfect face. It's hard as a girl not to feel pretty, or to feel like there's something about me that ruins my looks and should have been fixed but wasn't. Thanks to the asshole bastard orthodintist who put 2 rounds of braces on me and they didn't make a fucking dent. I think when I walked out of his office the last time, they were still fucked up and my overbite hadn't gone anywhere, and the asshole was like, all right, perfect! I looked him up on his website and now he and his son practice together. How cute, right? That man was a mean asshole and my mother took me to him TWICE. THe first time should have been evidence that he wasn't efficient. WHy did she take me to the same guy a second time? I don't think she cared enough. I think she thought, so what. I've raised two kids already. Maybe this kid can stay home with me forever and I won't be alone. Let's leave her ugly so no guy will want to marry her. Or just laziness. Sometimes I think my parents were very irresponsible to have a third child when they knew my father had health problems, and my mother was 40years old. My childhood was not normal and it ruined my chance at a normal adult life. Sometimes I don't understand how I'm even still alive.

t


I woke up so early today, at 5am. Maybe it's the daylight savings time holdover or something. I've been paranoid about my health, especially lately. After doing a lot of reasearch about all kind of health problems on the www, I feel a little bit pacified, but not 100%. But I'm going to put that on the backburner for a bit and focus on my trip back to NYC to visit my family/have a few days vacay, in less than 1week.

I've been planning this trip for awhile, but haven't really reached goals I had for myself like: a) lose 40 lbs. (I don't really need to lose 40 lbs. Maybe 10 at the most.) b) buy some new glasses, like DKNY or Versace. (didn't happen. Eye glasses usually cost me about 400 for a good pair. No bueno.) c) Get some great outfits to wear. (also didn't happen. I have a new Old Navy sweaters that have shrunk after 1 washing and jeans that are slightly too big or too small.) d) do all of the above, and still manage to save about 500 dollars for incidentals, like getting my hair done and saving money for cabs, if I need it. Figuring out public transportation in NYC, to me, is like trying to do Calculus. Basically impossible.

SO. I will barely have enough to cover my hostel/hotel situation, and then a gift for my aunt. I guess that's ok. But, see, I am a very anxious type of person. I always have been, since childhood. I stress, stress, stress over little things, big things, things in-between, and things that haven't even happened yet. I hope to have a good time and not stress the fact that I can't afford a Burberry coat, or Frye boots, or highlights at Bumble and Bumble. Maybe next year. I just want to look my best in case something good happens. After yesterday evening/morning, though, I just want to get out of California for a week and away from this cesspool.

Night from Hell

I'm sitting at home, warm, cozy, in sweats, ready for Sunday night TV. There's a lot of good TV on tonight, too. But my night last night, while calm at work, was the commute from HELL. SATAN was in full form last night, busting out his minions in triple time. Ok, not really, but kind of something similar.

Sometimes I'm a little too early for work, which is ok. I hate being late and that drives me to always be a tad too early. Also, I don't want to be standing around waiting for AC transit to show up at 10pm, then have to walk, in the dark, dimly lit
street, to the subway stop. So I leave early, no biggie. I'll get off at another stop in the city and browse the drug store for a bit, get some Red Bull, magazines, etc.

So I do this. I go back out to wait for the bus. Now, I have had a good run for awhile. No street harrassment. No strange men hurling obscenities or insults. None of it. But I think last night/this morning made up for about 8 mths of peaceful commuting, more or less. At the bus stop there's a group of youngish guys. Kind of thuggish, in that fake MTV way. I'm putting on my scarf and one of the group, I guess their little ringleader, tries to talk to me. I was nice and vague, but it was cold, raining, and I'm too old for this shit. Poor little guy's ego couldn't handle rejection from a woman he a) didn't know, who was b) alone, and c) very unassuming, so he started on this insane rant about how women are bitches and he kept screaming about me as 'that bitch over there.' It was vile and horrible. An older guy standing at the stop felt bad for me, I think, and kind of moved over to where I was standing. It was very bad. I hadn't done anything but be nice, then kind of stop talking and go back to MY BUSINESS. This little a-hole's friends looked embarrassed and didn't say anything. Their friend completely clowned himself all over a woman he didn't know, who could have been 35 and married for all he knew. Once again, DON'T HARRASS WOMEN. Even if you think you're being funny or you really just have to say hello, it's not welcome, in a public transit stop, at 10pm in the night. It's just not. If you don't know that, you're either poorly educated or just a complete dumbass.

So I just dust it off, right? I'm like, seasoned to the freaks who come out at night and don't even care. It's my last night, I have my coffee, my power bar, my umbrella. Whatever. Work was fine, kind of long, and being daylight savings time change, I worked at 9 hour night. But will still get paid for only 8 hrs. But I wasn't even really tripping off of this or much eles. Not even the obscene toolbag from the bus stop. Whatever! Right?

This morning, I had another coffee run. I usually go to a sandwich shop that opens early, and the girl working there is always so nice, too. That helps. No weirdos. If I have extra cash, I'll leave 5 $ in the tip jar, and I gave a few dollars to a completely insane homeless crackhead, too, today. I felt so bad. The woman was just about on death's door.

So I drink the coffee, get up, leave, go to the subway. I'm walking down the long hall to the train, and out pops another horrible, dirty, crazy, missing teeth covered in dirt homeless man freak, who screams out, as if on command, fucking goofy bitch! I mean, it was like staccato gunfire. I was almost shocked at how many times I was verbally assaulted and called a bitch for nothing except trying to GO TO WORK AND GO HOME FROM WORK. ALONE. UNASSUMING. Does this happen to other people? Other women? I came home feeling very horrible, and ugly, too. Then I do what I always do when I feel insecure, which is take self portraits with my Blackberry, which, in turn, makes me even more secure because after 9 hours at work, on the graveyard shift, then a long commute home, makeup melted off, hair fucked up, bad early morning sunshine lighting, I look like Gollum. I had to take a long shower to wash away the horrible shame I felt of apparently being a really ugly, goofy bitch who gets attacked by horrible strange men. It was so bad. :(

My NYC trip is in 1 week exactly. I have a lot to do this week. Must confirm my hotel reservation and print out flight and hotel itinerary, go to H&M for some stuff,
borrow a carry on from my sister. Go to the bank when I get paid on Friday morning. I'll be extremely broke when I get back, but whatever. I also must get a birthday present for my aunt. I was thinking about getting her some turquoise jewelry. My mother loved turquoise and it would be a nice memory.

I just want to have a good week. No crazy scenes at the subway. Just calm and fine.
This time next week I'll be at my hotel in Manhattan, and am hoping it's not absolutely freezing. I need to try and have a good time this time. Last year I hibernated in my hotel room and was only there for a little over a night.

My tattoo removal is coming along, slowwwly. It hasn't really made a dent. Being broke sucks bigtime. I wanted to do all of this stuff to get myself a little more glam before going back East, get new boots, new glasses, and my hair done, and can't afford to do any of it. I'm hoping that I actually have a good time and am not wasting my money on this.

Last night was long and I spoke to some very rude and stupid people. And some nice and unfortunate people. Kind of par for the course, I suppose. Now it's over and I'm off, TG. All you can do is try your best.

I'm extremely unhappy w/ having 200 USD taken out of my checking account from MyLife.
I'm smart enough, or was smart enough, not to sign up and pay for shady shiz on the www, but now and again, your curiousity is piqued or you get lonely or whateva, right? So I decided to pay about 13 USD for a 1 month trial and look up some people I haven't seen in years.

Cue to astonishment over them almost immediately, as in, the second I put my card numbers in and hit 'done', taking 200 out of my account. I was flabbergasted. I also had to wait until 6am to get an explanation from customer service. They answered right away, but it seemed a little too easy. The girl asked for my email, zip code, and that was it, and was like, poof, your refund is done. I'm hoping that in 7-10 business days the money is back in my account. My trip is creeping closer and I need to save everything I have. I also need to cancel my debit card soon to avoid further charges from these people. I can't even access the account, they never emailed me my password. But the girl sounded nice, (as in, does that even matter anymore), and seemed very willing to fix the error. I'm really hoping that no other funds are going to be drawn from my account for a completely useless service that I can't even access.

I have my 2nd laser removal session tomorrow: not really looking forward to it. Now that I know what to expect, it's pretty bad. My hand will be pretty swollen for about 4-5 days, w/ blisters. Not
pretty. Takes about 2 weeks to heal.

I'm not sure if I should even bother getting my hair done before going back East. I thought about getting lighter brown highlights. I need to get some boots, though, and a warm coat that doesn't make me look like a penguin.

I don't know why people my age are in a mad race to have children. I guess it's not for everyone.

I just can't imagine doing that to my body. I feel like I've missed the boat sometimes, as if I have a hazy image of how my life would have been if my mother hadn't died 12 years ago. I don't know, really. Probably a lot different. I don't think I would have gone through some phases I went through in my later teens, early twenties. It's really hard to process extreme tragedy for children.
I'm not sure how adults don't understand that. I think I chose not to even try to process it,I ignored it for as long as I could until I felt emotions that were too hard to deal with, too hard to ignore. I guess it was going to happen eventually. You can't live in denial forever.

I'm not really sure when it was in my life that people who came into it were actively trying tohurt me in some kind of way. I suppose after my dad died, then after my mom died, it was like,you're alone. There is no responsible adult who really cares about you, your future, or the decisions you make. It's much more complex to raise children once they are almost legal adults. I feel like my development from adolescent to adult just never really happened sometimes.

Indian Summer

It's pretty hot out today, 84 degrees so far. I accomplished some stuff, new clothes, etc., I was in dire need. My clothing situation was looking very grunge, and not the kind that is on purpose. Being thrifty, I went to Old Navy and spent much less than I would have at another department store.

These people who work the kiosks at the malls need to stop doing cocaine or whatever it is that makes them act like raging psychos. This metrosexual kind of guy with a little ponytail on top of his head chased me down, literally, to try their bogus looking shady-euro makeup. I said no, thanks, and he gave me a card. So then once I walked away, he started yelling at me to give him back his card. I walked back, and was like, dude, what the hell is your problem. He goes, with his eyes wide and crazed, "I just want to show you my makeup!" I considered calling the mall concierge to complain. He was too crazy. Those people are usually annoying, but this guy was like, full on, wild eyed, psycho. Maybe he reached his breaking point being rejected by the passers-by all the time. I avoid that mall if I can help it, unless it's time to go back to Victoria's Secret.

I hate shopping. Truly loathe it. Back in college, when I had more money, I remember loving going to the Willow Brook Mall in Wayne, NJ, and spending probably anywhere from 700-800

at Bloomingdale's, Sephora, and sometimes on shoes. I probably spent about 2000 a month on clothing. For a college student, that's pretty ridiculous. And so naive I was to think that I would be able to find a job to support my habits, plus pay rent and bills, too. I can't even really think back on it without cringing. I could have used that money for a car, a down payment on apartment, medical stuff, dental stuff. I was in a horrible state of denial for so long, probably age

12 to age 22. Ten years of depression, denial, psychological decline. At least I'm still young. Whatever! Right? Who cares? Nervous breakdowns happen all the time! If that's what it even was. I don't like to put labels on things.

Something cute, furry, and happy to look at.

This week went by pretty fast. Still, I'm tired. Very blah right now. I talked to an old friend today; sometimes even though you have grudges, you have to be like, 'so what'. As you get older, you might need to have a few people you can always call. I'm learning that the future is not a faraway thing and time moves so fast. No one is impenetratable or invincible.

Except Mickey Rourke.

Swoon.

I've been looking at pics of Hilary Swank for hair inspiration. I can embrace looking a bit like her on a good day. That's a great thing, actually. I don't see it, but I have the same sort of mouth/teeth/facial situation. Her grooming and style is light years beyond mine, though, being an A-list celeb and all. Oh well.

Vacaciones is creeping closer, evvvver so slowwwwly. My diet plan isn't really coming to fruition as much as I thought it would, though. It's not really even made a dent. I think working nights has hampered what metabolism I do, or did, have. I've stopped eating nights, too, just coffee and water. I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting to nothing. I've learned to stop wishing for size 2. Just because I'm tall doesn't equal automatic thinness. Supermodels don't eat, they musn't even be able to breathe the scent of cake for fear of gaining half a pound. I'm over trying to kill myself w/ a diet or 'lifestyle change', if you want to call it that. It's all the same. I've been size 2, even a size 0 at Old Navy, where their clothing runs larger. Maybe it really is all about portion control. I don't really feel like I'm very out of control of anything, though. I think I'm ok. Once I get very thin, my period starts to act haywire, and I can't go down that road again.

October Rust

I'm pretty happy that it's October, and also that it's Sunday. Two good things. Last night wasn't too bad. It's never perfect.

Today's a nice day: cold, gray, and dark. The sun is taking longer to come up, daylight savings is coming soon. My trip to NYC is about a month away. I'm realizing I won't have enough money to do all the things I wanted to do, to get myself ready and looking/feeling good before I go. Oh well. At least I'm going.

I still have nervousness about things though. The semipermanence of things. Things now are pretty permanent, but there is the 10 percent part of the little pie that is titled the 'not knowing
part'. I'm just going to leave that alone, though, or try to.

I found a yoga center in Oakland, about 20 minutes from my apartment: it seems pretty great:
they offer therapy, deep tissue massges, acupuncture, and they have a cute boutique where they sell yoga clothes, mats, bags, etc. Plus the classes are fairly cheap and they offer all kinds of specials. I'm going to go soon, one Sunday evening or Monday morning. I really need to do something for myself that is social, but not too social. I want to really get into it and let my life flow in a more peaceful way, w/ less blockage from all sorts of negative people/energy. I just don't need it anymore. I can't dwell on it, I can't think about it, I can't have it in my life. I'm not going into my 30s still wondering or feeling bad over shit that happened when I was 23 years old. I really feel like centering myself with yoga and taking classes will be a big positive. I can't go every day b/c of work, but even one or two a week will be good. I need to do a lot of re-tooling on myself. I've fallen into a slump.

Coffee shops play the worst music sometimes.

Sometimes I think that being alone is a good thing. I really do. It's hassle-free. Burden-free. I guess companionship is what everyone covets, but it just seems to bring a tons of heartache, eventually. Break-ups and fights. Repeat and repeat. I can't handle things like that. I don't care to even deal with the possibility of a situation like that. People get lazy, or scared of being alone, or they want someone to financially depend on. So many people marry or get involved for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I feel a huge disconnect from other people, as humans. It's Sunday morning, and early, and I'm not really into debating things on my blog, but I had to touch on that. California is such a strange place. It's such a magnet for horrible low lifes, horrible yuppies, wannabe gurus, wannabes in general. If you have a lot of success, that's great, but I just feel like there is something so strange and slightly off about people out here. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not me.

I've thought about trying to move to Philadelphia. There's affordable housing and probably more jobs than other places. And it's back East, slightly familiar scenery. I've got to do something. Make some kind of change. I can't just be in California forever. I don't feel like it will be good for me if I wake up in 10 years, still living here. That thought gives me the bad chills, actually. Very bad.

Moving is the worst kind of hassle, and I can't imagine dragging my possessions across the country. Apartments don't fall out of the sky. Landlords are suspicious by nature and most of them check credit. If they don't, they're either extremely cool and understanding about life's difficulties, or the place is kind of bogus on some level. I think there's a chance that I could move
back East and still keep my job, but it probably would be a slim chance. Also, I'm not sure if Philly is very walkable, but I think it might be. I went down there once and it wasn't too bad. Same things every other city has, crime, violence, some shadiness. You can't escape that unless you move back to the suburbs, I guess. If I did move to Philly, I would have to have a cash cushion and a place to go immediately. Maybe it would be good, a good decision, good place to go. Kind of new territory, but close to some familiarity. If I wanted to visit my aunt, I could take a train and be there in an hour, not fly six hours across the GD country. I just don't want to be out here anymore. I feel so disconnected and I just don't like it. It's not my place. I don't love it here.

Found this picture when I was searching for peaceful celestial imagery. Kind of cool. Very
tired today, but how is that different from any other day. Last night was so long and at a few
moments, I was more than exhausted. It's really unpleasant to be feeling exhausted and alternately have adrenaline hit when you have a tense moment at work, all at 2:30am. I'm really starting to just get fed up with commuting, and walking, and commuting again, and the nighttime humidity, then freezing cold in the morning, and the lack of sleep. It's really hard, really, really hard and not a lot of people can understand or sympathize. By the time morning rolls around and the sun begins to come up, I'm hardly able to put a rational thought together, and kind of stumble home. Wish this wasn't the way my life was going, but no other choice right now. I can't complain too much.

I haven't listened to this album in a long time. (Psalm 69 by Ministry) Sometimes you don't really want music that you listened to during a bad time to bring you back, but I think I've moved on enough so that I can listen to it and not feel horror or fear. My coma lifted and now I'm awake, trying to motivate to clean, or watch movies. I also want to stop doing or thinking about things that are counterproductive to even small success.

It's Sunday! So happy, but am very tired. Sat/Sun at work is always very hard. This week just wasn't my week. I had some calls with mistakes, obv. unintentional, but still. I'm usually error free. Seeing those messages in my work acct kind of started my shitty week off and it kept rolling, complete with a case of the hiccups at 2-3 am, and a few moments of extreme fatigue. The good thing is that they go away if you blast loud music or movies for a few minutes. Does the trick every time, I think.

I watched The Walking Dead pilot episode last night (so happy I finally have On Demand) and
holy sheez that was some scary business! At first I thought it was going to be some really standard, been there a million times kind of zombie thing, but it was good. Not really too good watching it in the dark with a candle burning, though. I'm going to try and watch 2 episodes this morning before my coma starts.

Hoping I can get the Pittsburgh train this morning, so that I can catch a cab at 12th st. I can't really handle walking home today, w/ humidity, possible rain, and my fatigue. When there's mistakes at work, it's kind of pointed out to you in a way that is very cut and dry. I guess sometimes there's no other way, but it still stings a bit. I haven't had any CC mistakes in
almost 8 months. I think that's probably good. I hope it is.

I need to get a new coat, b/c this blue fleece I'm wearing is the kind of jacket a soccer and
rugby playing girl who graduated from UNC Chapel Hill would be wearing. I also miss my long hair, but it looked so bad before I cut it. It had to go. I think I'll lighten it before I go back to
NYC. I should go back to black clothing. I'm not in tune with my identity right now, in terms of
the way I look. I also need new glasses in the worst way. Some tortoiseshell frames would be good. My red librarian glasses I wear have taken much abuse.

Almost forgot, today is the big S&M, in your face fest that is the Folsom St. Fair. I've never
gone, and will be sleeping all day, but probably wouldn't check it out. This city is so liberal that
you could probably walk around in leather chaps and a ball gag on Tuesday afternoon and people would just smile. Not in all neighborhoods, but some.

Sometimes I'm not sure I believe in karma. But today, at this moment, I really hope that
it is real.

As much as I love Mickey Rouke, circa 1990's and recent, this is the kind of man I hope to end up with one day. And that completes my daily duties to the Blog Gods b/c I have to rest now. Peace and harmony to you.

I just watched 'Wild Orchid' and had to post a picture of one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen on film. <3

This is Vung Chua Mountain, where my father
was based during some of his service in the
military, in the late 60's-early 70's.

Two of my favorite things:
Scottish fold cats and violets.
I can't really post anything
wihtout it getting messed up
so I'll just leave it at this.

This reminds me of a moment in my life, seven years ago, when things began to unravel for me. I think my subconscious was trying to guide me when I first found this in poster form at a little store in upstate New York. Still one of my favorite things to look at.

Pod People

I'm charging my batteries before work tonight w/ usual coffee and internet. I feel like I have to be careful of internet overload, though. I have almost 8 hours of internet at work, plus work, so it's easy so kind of OD on it. Sometimes I can't just sit around at my apartment til 9pm. I usually have good luck w/ AC Transit, but every now and then they fail me and I end up walking to the subway, which is a scary, kind of long and dark walk through an urban-brush-jungle and some dim-lit corners.

I have a ticket back to Newark Intl Airport and am going to book my hotel tomorrow. Kind of internally groaning since I get paid and have been so, so, so broke, but it'll be worth it. Found a cheap place in Midtown that seems very clean and has a good reputation, and shared bathrooms.
3 days for about 570. So there goes half my paycheck. Then after bills, I'm broke again. There's a lot of things I need to do before I go back: get new glasses, which is another $400, then some mature clothing that is age appropriate for 29 year old women. I feel like, at times, I dress much the same as I did at 20 years old. I need a nice button down winter coat, too, and must ditch the subterranean puffy jacket I wore last year.

It's still 2 months away, though. Work is same as usual this week. Taking the subway is horrible. I never feel as uncomfortable as I am on the subway, mixed together with a bunch of strangers on an underground train. Just part of urban life, but not the greatest part.

I've been watching some depressing movies the past 2 evenings: Sylvia, about Sylvia Plath, and then House of Sand and Fog, which was horribly, horrendously depressing. I caught the end, which was the worst part. Ben Kingsley is such a great actor that I'll watch anything he is in, though. I saw a movie about 3 years ago with him and Penelope Cruz called Elegy, which was lovely.

I'm thinking that I should dye my hair a lighter color, maybe red. I feel like sometimes I do the same thing all the time and that's bad, like I need to get in the now, the 2011 now. Then I remember I'm usually kind of financially strapped and get lazy. I don't know.

It's pretty much officially Fall now. Halloween right around the corner. Thankfully I have Halloween evening off. I wish I wasn't so stuck sometimes; like I had a nice warm place to go home to, a mom or dad to talk to. It's still such a bad, big gaping hole I don't think it will ever really not be there, hollow and full of pain.

My hand is still a little swollen after the laser treatment. I had to drain more fluid this evening, which is barbaric and a little grotesque, but that's kind of like my thing, I guess. It's all very involved, sterilizing needles and DIY drainage! Yea! Actually, more like no....no. no. It doesn't look very different, maybe a tiny bit lighter. The whole fading process will take some time, probably over 8 months.

I always get a little wary of the loose cannon types of invade the coffee houses of SF, specifically the Mission. As long as you don't make eye contact, youe're ok, usually. If there is even a nanosecond of eye contact, they will attack you with their craziness and say something really embarrassing. It's happened to me before, but not in awhile, since I left the Mission. I don't miss it here. On the 14 bus tonight, I sat behind a woman in dirty clothes, eating an enormous cob of greasy corn, the kind that comes on a stick. Then another woman with a bunch of luggage that looked like newspaper and bandages all over her hands sat down. Bus police all over the place, busting people who don't pay the fare. Bad smells and a lot of midwestern young kids who are so trendy it's painful to look at. No, thanks.

Here's hoping tonight isn't too bad. I would say what the yuppies out here say, "cheers!", if it didn't make me sound like a pretentious douche bag. Adios.

Tattoo removal

So today was my first laser removal treatment. I wasn't too nervous, really, but once I was sitting on the table and had a pair of protective goggles on, I did, in fact, feel a slight twinge of fear. The technician, who was very professional and pleasant, gave me two small stress balls,
and I wondered how bad the pain could be?

BAD. VERY, VERY BAD. Probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Ideas of having other tattoos removed went out the window immediately. I said to myself, I can live with them,
if I can avoid feeling this horrific pain on any other part of my body ever again.

The good news is that it only lasts for about 5 minutes. But the numbing cream they used didn't
really do anything, and I had to ask the tech to stop for a minute. I would have taken more time to rest if he hadn't seemed in a hurry. Once it was done, I was bandaged and left the building on shaky legs.

I really hate tattoos. I hate that I got any of them. I can live with them because I have to,
but I don't know why or what was prompting me to get them done. At least I am not in that mental place any longer, and never will be again. Could be much worse, probably.

My hand looks very puffy and I'm still wearing the bandages, which I think I should take off soon. I'm relieved I have the night off tonight.

Planning my trip back to NYC/NJ in 2 months! I'm going to stay at a cheap hotel, maybe the Pod Hotel, for 3 nights, then try to stay at my aunt's house in Ocean. I called her today and told her about my plans, but she seemed like she wasn't too sure about it. I guess if it's an issue I could stay in a b&b or just get 2 extra nights at a hotel in Manhattan. Not gonna stress things.

Last time I was pretty ill-prepared for a trip back East. I looked a fright and wasn't mentally ready for it, maybe. I'm going to try and get excited and feel good about it this time. I think I'll probably go back to that bar in the East Village and sit in the same place that I sat when I met
'Steve', and try to make peace with some things.

I was browsing jobs in Manhattan today and found this customer service position that is the
same job I do now, and they even advertised for people who are trained in the same type of software that we use. Such a shame I'm here and not there. I almost wanted to email them and
be like 'I use Infinity software! I'll be back in 6 to 8 months! Please wait for me!'. :(

Also looked at apartments in the Ironbound District of Newark. If I can live in Oakland with no problems, then Newark shouldn't be much different. I'm really going to try and plan things better for myself. I don't want to be miserable forever, and unhappy, and hating the place I live.

Sunday morning coffee

Last night was tough, but it's over, and now I can go home. I'm not sure what is with people, sometimes. I had kind of a hard time with problematic callers.

I went to my sister's and had some dinner, watched a movie called Le Divorce. It was pretty
good, too, surprising since Kate Hudson was in it. She's actually a good actress, but keeps making these horrible movies like Bride Wars and Something Borrowed. Watching commercials fs for the latter can cause you to develop hives and a nervous twitch, I think. Awful garbage.

I'm going for my first laser removal treatment tomorrow. It should be good. It'll probably take 8 months to remove the whole thing, but that's fine by me. Also, I'm going on vacation back to Manhattan once again on Nov. 13th. 2 months! I hope it comes quick, then goes by slowly. I really need the relaxation time and new scenery. The 9/11 Memorial is on TV this morning, I kind of wish I was at the ceremony. I'm definitely going to go see it when I go back.

My period started yesterday, pretty unexpectedly. Usually I can really sense it, but every now and then it surprises you. It's so horrific this month, too. My cramps were extremely difficult and I was out of Tylenol, and in too much pain to walk to Walgreens and buy more, so I suffered it out. Awful. They dulled after awhile, but didn't stop fully until about 2am this morning, so a total of 12 hours of cramps, and a lot of blood. Very hard to be a woman today. I feel so uncomfortable and lethargic.

But tonight is the True Blood and Curb finale(s)!!! yeah, kind of only a little bit excited, but it's still something. I'm so broke I can't get my usual red blooded red meat hamburger that I always crave when the period comes. That's also contributed to my shitty week.

Pi - Super bon bon

Malpractice

Lately, I've been feeling like my horrible former orthodontist, who still practices in NJ, should be held accountable for completely not fixing, not even making a dent, in my dental work that I had done, TWICE, by his shoddy practice. I ventured to their office website last night, and it was typical, kind of internet via 1999 with neon colors and lame shots of this class A douche bad and his son, who is also now an orthodontist at the same office. VOM.

But now that I'm a mature adult, this makes me incredibly enraged. My parents paid upwards
of ten grand to this awful, vile serpent who was never friendly, smelled bad, and ran his practice out of a large old victorian house that was converted into a medical office. Why did they bring me there? And when my teeth weren't corrected after the first time, why did my mother bring me back to him? She should have taken me to another doctor. Why did my mother never make dentist appointments for me? Or take me to a gynecologist when I was 15? Why didn't SOMEONE? Why didn't someone, SOMEONE, close to me, EVER, AT ALL, say: Kate, you may need to get your teeth fixed again? I had money at one point. Just goes to prove how shitty your family and friends can be when you aren't looking. I really wasn't looking for quite a long time,
maybe as close as I should have been.

I want to at least call this man's office and let him know that now, at 29 years old, my teeth are still messed up and the five years total of braces I had didn't work. His promise of fixing my teeth without extraction didn't work. I felt rage so intense last night, I had to just close my eyes and take a moment to remind myself that I was at work, and had to focus on said work. But I feel so violated and cheated, and not only me, but my parents, who trusted this old, miserable fool to do his job correctly. He fucked up, and fucked up TWICE. Sent me packing with my retainer and that was it. And there was one time where I showed up chewing gum, which is not something you should do when you have braces. I understand that now. But I was 15, and stressed out at home. My mother was dying of cancer. And I will never forget how this digusting jerk verbally abused me, a CHILD, in front of his entire office staff about chewing the gum. He began screaming at me, then demanded to speak to my mother. I told him she wasn't there, and he began yelling at me again, asking why she wasn't with me. Finally, I said, because she is
home, she has cancer, and she is dying. This man's face turned a few shades of purple, and he eventually apologized after a long period of silence.

Anyway, he was obviously not a very good doctor. Greedy, and probably lied and said he could fix my teeth without extraction to get paid. From the looks of his website, he has had a face lift, too. The world is not a fair place. I don't really believe in things like karma and justice. I just want to get in bed, curl into a ball, and float away.

Graveyard Shift (1990) Trailer

Labor Day Fog

So tired today. Lord, god. I thought it was going to be a good one when I woke up, went to Walgreens, and came home to drink an energy drink. Spent about an hour cleaning my kitchen,
then the bathroom, and then ate lunch. I was maybe going to go back into the city to see my sister and niece, but my sister's husband was off for the holiday, and I felt like they probably wanted some family time.

After I hung the phone up with my sister, I just became so unbelieviably sad, the kind of sad that makes you immobile. I tried to motivate to go into the city, but couldn't do it. Ended up putting my pj's back on, then got back into bed, and napped for 2 hours. I finally got a real dinner tonight, too, cheeseburger and fries, and some Coke. I feel better now, albeit kind of unhealthy.
I walk a lot and try to watch my diet, but my body seems to want to not lose weight. I don't know if it's because I'm approaching 3o and it's changing, or if I'm really not eating that healthy.
It just added to my misery before I fell into sleep. It was a good nap, at least.

So I'm watching Avatar on HBO now and just relaxing in bed/couch. That's the thing about studio apartments: your bed is often times your living room sofa, too. I'd like to get a 1 bedroom apartment next year. Do I want to still be living out here next year, though? Kind of...not really.

I want to move. I really do. But it's so difficult and I don't know if I can go through the process of job hunting and feeling that horrible uncertainty about life. Maybe I could stay with my aunt for awhile, but I don't know. I feel like my family thinks I'm unstable and they don't really want to be reminded of my sad story, or my parents. I'm sure if I asked, she would say yes, but I have to be smart. Being 30, homeless, and jobless is not the way to be.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was Steve from nyc. I feel so horribly lame and pathetic. I felt like my soul is missing some key piece to being complete and he had the missing piece, but I could never find him again. I feel so sad to think that someone could have such an impact on you, and then you never at least have the chance to tell them this in person.

Weekend again

Another Sunday morning. Now that I have a better computer, it's nice to hit up coffee houses again and relax a bit before getting the 8am subway back home. Tonight is great/good TV:
True Blood, Curb, and some kind of bad but entertaining reality shows. I'll see if I'm still functioning at 10pm, it's unlikely.

Last night was difficult and long. But so dead, hardly anyone calling, TG. Seriously. If it had been slammed, I don't know what I would have done, probably cried blood or something.

It's a very Pacific Northwest kind of morning out here. Foggy and smells a little like chimey smoke and pine. It's nice. Kind of makes me want to move further up north to Washington, in a fantasy kind of way.

I was looking at bigger apartments last night; and even though my apt now is so small, I think it suits my needs just fine. The location and safety of the neighborhood is pretty prime, too. I could find a 1 bedroom but having to compromise safety isn't really worth it.

The endless supply of wackos and psychos in SF is a given, at this point, but at 7:36am on Sunday morning? Can it just rest for one fucking minute? It's so GD annoying. And frightening.
I guess even creepers wake up early for their coffee.

I think I'm going to wait til after the New Year to go back East. I don't really want to take vacation, then be asked to cover holidays I'm not even scheduled to be working. And I hope I'm not asked to cover anything I'm not on the schedule for. My schedule gives me Christmas Day
and New Year's Day off, which is good b/c I worked every single holiday last year. It's not really that bad or unpleasant, just quiet. Commuting to work on New Year's Eve was horrible, the subway was over maximum capacity, full of crazies and people who like to pre-game before their big night out.

Almost time to go home and watch movies, and do nothing at all. I'm looking forward to it.
My sister called me last night: I really don't know how to feel about talking to her. Sometimes I think it's better for my sanity to not speak to her at all, but I have a heart and feel bad. Problem is, she doesn't have much of anything resembling a heart. That's kind of a bad thought there, but it's true. It's the reason she never seemed to apologize about things like not paying the insurance on our mother's car when I was driving it to school, and it was impounded. I was left by the cops on the side of a highway restaurant. Or cutting me out of a full inheritance she had kept for me in trust. Not sure why my other sister just didn't keep the whole thing. Or why I ever saw a bank statement or I don't know, was presented with some options about investing or things like that. The guy who managed the money is a douche bag friend of my sister's felon ex-husband. It's so awful and white trash. I think it's funny to her. Or maybe her mind is so shot to hell she doesn't know what is acceptable and what is not anymore. I could wax on for years about this and how many ways I've been hurt. I try to take responsibility for my bad decisions, too, though.
It's a no win kind of thing.

I watched the movie 'Pi' yesterday for the first time, after years of always wanting to see it. It was really good, too, in a strange kind of way. I noticed too, that the old weirdo on the subway who sings to the lead character is the same old weirdo from the subway in Black Swan. Black Swan seemed a lot like Pi. I want to try and find Requiem for a Dream.

I guess everyone is waking up in the city now. I kind of want to stay for awhile and keep writing. Sometimes going home right away to sleep isn't beneficial. Ten minutes and then I'll go.

Winding down isn't too bad. I couldn't face Starbucks this morning, sometimes the yuppified
sheen glistens too bright in there. I'm hoping Resident Evil is on at some point either today or tomorrow. I never saw the whole thing, but ended up watching it 2 nights ago and it was pretty good.

You could spend a lot of time trying to think about why people do what they do or what makes them do evil. That sounds kind of basic or scary, but why can't they just say no. Is it just a simple lack of conscience or what.

**side note: hangover food of choice still greasy eggs, cheese, and butter on a big bagel full of liquor absorbing carbohydrates. I'm observing this behavior in 2 youngish guys who seem
punchy-drunk and are dressed near identical to each other.**

Just about time to go. The lights are becoming too bright, I need sleep. Buenos noches.

Sunny day

I watched this movie once where the girl says something about her 'sunny days', and how they remind her of a day her brother died. Obviously, it's just a movie, but I wonder how things like a warm day or a certain smell can remind you of tragic life events. Mine is tiger lilies. They always remind me of funeral parlors, a place that was a large part of my teenage years. The smell of death.

I hate going back to work on Tuesday nights. It's an endless stream of calls and work, and googling medical terminology I don't know. I want it to be Sunday again!! Ahh. But Sunday night is kind of a wash. I slept untl almost 5:3opm last Sunday, then before I knew it, it's Monday afternoon and I'm watching bad TV and thinking about how much I want the evening to never end.

I spoke to my sister in NJ today. I really can't stand her. Her rationale is so bad and twisted; she clearly has no real concern for her daughter's well-being. It's all lies and excuses. She claims her little girl 'loves' her boyfriend, this big bloated loser who doesn't do a fucking thing but drink beer and supposedly go to work in Hoboken, which I think is total bullshit. She claims that the only reason she doesn't have custody of her little girl is because of 'her job'. How many women work and take care of their kids? Everything in her life is such a horrible lie or sham or not the way it should be. She's such an asshole. I wonder if I have always known this. She didn't treat our mother that well, before she was sick. I miss my mom still, but can't think about her most days. It's very painful. I don't think I've ever really let myself fully grasp her death as being real. It's so hard. Maybe when I'm in my 30s I can process it better. I don't know.

I don't really enjoy talking to people I used to be friends with when I lived in NJ and was in high school. I don't live in that little town anymore and care nothing about their goings on. It's actually painful to be reminded of it in any capacity. People are so insensitive sometimes, it kind of blows my mind a bit. Maybe I'm too nice. Also, I have not heard anything about the Hurricane's effect in NJ because I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. Someplace 3000 miles away from where I live is not that forefront in my mind.

I'm having a hard time sleeping before work today. It's 4:30 and I haven't napped one bit, but watched crappy reality TV. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking, at times, about the guy, Steve, I met in NYC. I must be so damaged to latch myself emotionally to some older man who showed some attention to me out the blue for about maybe an hour or so, five years ago. I wish I could beam myself back to Manhattan to where this man is. :( I feel so lonesome
sometimes for someone like him I can hardly get out of bed or not cry a little.

Sunday morning

Just got out of work but I'm still wired; I had 2 extra large cups of coffee before going in, and they carried me throughout the whole night, pretty much. I'm feeling ok.

I was walking to Starbucks this morning, and felt for the first time like I finally understand where I am; the Pacific Northwest, in an overly expensive city with tons of fucking crazy ass
people. No summer. Heavy fog and drizzle, and more wackos in abundance. I don't know. Maybe if I could afford to live here, it would seem appealing.

Oakland isn't that bad, though. So far, so good. My apartment is a little cupboard, but it's ok
for me. I don't really need that much anyway. So my weekend has started, or my Weekend
1.5, being that I work Sunday mornings and have the nighttime off. It's not the same as having a whole day off, trust. But I'll take it! I'm off! Yeah! Got to call my aunt today and see how they are doing with the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. I was watching a live feed of midtown Manhattan last night and it kept making me too sad and full of some heartache. Maybe Kill Bill will be on tonight, or Jurassic Park.

I need a new blog name, but this one is all I can come up with for now. Starbucks chai used
to be kind of sweet, but it seems like they have switched to original spicy chai. It's not that good
for some reason.

Can't wait to sleep a bit. I'm going to try to nap but wake up early enough to do...nothing
but watch TV. No laundry. That can be saved for tomorrow morning. Groan. Monday is over before it even starts sometimes. And Tuesday is a wash. I spend the whole day trying to rest up for work that night.

I don't know why I chopped away at my bangs. I just got so sick of them in my eyes and face.
I should just save my money and stick with what I"ve got for awhile. I don't go out ever and
there's no reason to look cute or style-savvy. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I should just save money so I can leave California. I can't be 30 years old and still out here. I don't know.
I'm going to plan another trip back to NYC and maybe try to stay at this place called the Pod
Hotel for 2 days, then visit my aunt and sister/niece. I miss my little niece. My sister is a
king sized asshole and horrible mother. I can't even elaborate, it's too much. But all I can say is that that little girl has been hurt by her mother, my big, stupid sister, and it's all my sister's
fault. She is honestly one of the worst people I know, and I am related to her. Maybe that's not an uncommon phenomenon.

So that will be the plan. I've got to apply for vacation or PTO at least 30 days in advance, but can wait til mid-September. I'll have to book a flight and leave from SFO or Oakland International
Airport.

**lovely little bit of info: crazy homeless bitch dressed in about 10 layers of clothing is standing outside the window of Starbucks, trying to use her homeless eyed whammy to get money
from the customers. Pathetic and sad. Drugs are bad.** --a Haiku.

Saturday evening

I brought my new computer to an old coffee house I used to go to all the time, about 2 to 3 years ago. It's working out well and was a good investment. It feels a little bit large to me still, but it's working out. The keypad seems a little sensitive, but the computer was fairly cheap, as far as laptops go, even for Sony. I'm hoping it lasts for a good 2 to 3 years, if not more.

So tonight is my 'Friday'. Pretty happy about that, and it's feeling more normal to have the schedule switch. My clothing situation isn't too good. I looked an atrocious mess before leaving my apartment. Hair was bunk, bangs were bunk. They got too long and I cut them myself in a haste; obv. they came out all messed up. I can't seem to ever take hair stylists promise of a 'free bang trim' seriously. I feel like they will either give me some side eye if I actually go into the salon asking for a free bang trim, or they will charge me 2o bucks in the end. They grow out quickly, though.

Going to the laser removal center next Monday. Am looking forward to it, too. I think or am hoping the technician can fade the hand tattoos away to a point of no return. I'm over them. I'm over most of my tattoos, but am not rich so can't afford the treatment. However, once and if I am done with the first treatment, I might go back to get the chest tattoo lasered off, as well as the stars on my shoulders. Then I guess the rest I can live with.

Work last night was ok, but my coworker was once again almost totally non-functioning. She falls asleep to the point of it taking me screaming her name practically into her ear to wake her. Not even the beeping sound of calls waiting on her monitor can wake her up. She talks on her phone between calls, and actually put a caller on hold this morning and went back to her cell phone familial conversation. I was a little dumbfounded. She definitely gets away with a lot of stuff, but I guess that's not going to change. I feel bad for her family life, though. It's not an excuse, but whatever.

Sometimes I feel like people are much younger than me. I guess becoming old is going to be interesting. It's so much easier for men to age. They get more attractive and worldly, and interesting. Women just get more desperate to get married and have children, or get botox and plastic surgery.

There's a massive hurricane hitting the east coast right now, and I hope my family is ok. I should call my aunt tomorrow night and see. She lives at the beach, but I think they'll be fine.

So how boring is my life. I'm getting into a rut again. Unhappy with the way I look and dress.
I don't know why I seem to gain weight. Whenever I start eating like a normal person, my weight increases. It's not fair. Like everything else in my life is so grossly unfair. :(.

I hope tonight isn't busy. Last night my computer froze and of course my coworker was on a break, and completely comatose. I can't believe at times how she falls asleep like such a narcoleptic. She just nods off when taking calls, and then leaves the callers hanging on the line.

I'm tired. So tired, am on autopilot. Just want this night to be over already and get home,
to bed, then up for Sunday night HBO. It's a little lonely, but my life isn't that bad right now. It's pretty good sometimes, maybe. I just don't know. Being 29 yrs old is so tough. At 28 I was still hanging on to my old mindset maybe, or maybe was still ignoring the impending doom of 30. Now it's just like horrible. It's all hit me so fast. I will be 3o in less than a year, then 31, 32...it'll
get more serious and hard, and depressing.

My cousin is so shady and of course lied to my aunt about not getting my facebook message,
and about calling me. Just be honest. I don't even care anymore, she showed her true, shallow
colors a long time ago. What to the ever.

I need to get a new coat. Maybe a light pea coat or rain jacket, some boots, and new pants, for sure. Maybe a messenger bag. Gotta wait about 3 weeks. Grr. I look like a cross between extremely preppy and heavily tattooed person. Most of them I keep covered, though. I always kind of liked Fred Perry clothes for women and men. That kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse and her look. So sad she died. Horribly sad. I can't imagine the amount of hard drugs she did in her short lifetime.

I don't know what possessed me to buy a blue North Face fleece last year, but I did, and spent too much money on it. It's too short and not at all my style. I should go back to wearing all black.
That's pretty much a no fail zone.

So now I may veer into territory of the past. I think about it a lot. I think about people I thought were my friends and who turned out to be fucking horrible people. It's scary how you can never tell. Some really can fool you. I gotta let it go soon, though, because once I turn 3o all of that will be about 8 years in the past. Some of those people probably are married or have babies. Some are still doing the same shit they were back in 2004.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 was on tonight. I know how the Bride feels in that movie, with her Death List 5. I understand that level of rage, believe me. At least in the end she has her kid and complete revenge. Aren't the movies so nice?

I can't wait to have this crap lasered off my hands. It's going to be nice. Not sure what I was
thinking. All I remember is that it was extremely hot that day and I was alone, and not really in a good state of mind. 24 yrs old should have been fun and full of some promise and happiness, instead it was terror hell and desperation.

Got to do laundry tomorrow afternoon, unfortunately. It's the worst, most tedious errand ever. Or one of them. Then going to eat PB&J and drink iced tea all night, and sleep. If I can manage to get my laundry done, it'll be a major accomplishment. I have my appt. Monday afternoon.
I'm not really having huge life success out in California. It's come to a good place, though. I'm
happy with that. I have to let the rest go, and I have, but when you're alone all the time, all you have is the time to think about the ways people went out their way to hurt you and mess you up.
It's really painful and hurtful. I didn't deserve to be corrupted by assholes like I was all those years ago, at the most formative time in my early 20's.

(Love when people sit too close and then proceed to stare. It's always welcome, really. Really socially acceptable, too.)

I don't know what the future holds. I thought about trying to become an esthetician or something but you have to go to school. I'm not really sure what amazing job I might have gotten if I had my BA in English Lit from Montclair State. A lot of people with the same level of education are working crappy jobs making less than 35K a year. College is such a scam sometimes. Depending on what college you go to.

I'm waiting for about 9:45pm to get the bus, groan. It's not the most pleasant experience to be on muni in the mission, on Saturday night. It's kind of like freak show of semi-epic proportions. That gets old very quick. Trust.

I'm going to plan a trip back East in November, I think. Maybe even stay at the New Yorker again. The weather should be less frigid, too, I can walk around and have some experience. Get some perspective about the future. Maybe I'll strip my hair and dye it a lighter red soon, too.

I never really know if I'm horrible looking. Sometimes I feel like monstrous. My outfit is so horrible tonight. This coat is so off. Everything is off, I feel. I bought a faux-leather jacket from this little boutique, but it's such a piece of crap. 90 dollars for a junk coat. Everything there is flimsy and size xxsmall or 0. It's like H&M quality but more expensive. Kind of a rip off.

I guess that's all for now. Boring and repetetive am I. Adios.

Fuzzy head

On Monday night, before I went to sleep, I had a sneeze fit and felt a cold coming on. Sure enough, it came full force at about 4am this morning, when I was at work. Horrible. I had deja vu
of last November when I was so sick but kept going to work, then lost my voice and had a
gross cough for about 1 week. Not wanting to repeat that, I gave in and called out sick.

Calling out sick from graveyard shifts is hard, and I feel bad. Not guilty, because I actually am
sick, but bad because someone will have to cover my shift. But working graveyard when you
are sick is actually very stupid, b/c it basically destroys your performance. There's no point.
It's like fighting the inevitable. Talking to clients and their patients, etc., while sneezing and
and coughing is not good. I'm hoping I feel much better tomorrow morning. We'll see.

At certain times, when I would call out sick, my coworker would immediately call out when I
returned. She is so desperate to not work, she probably thought that we could switch shifts and
it would be cool. Not really, though. I rarely call out. This is probably my fourth sick day
in almost 2 years. That's not bad. I hope she doesn't even know I called out today. I'm not
trying to go in on my nights off just in case someone calls. I did that a few times and it's hard
and you end up angry and resentful of your time being taken.

I woke up today around 12:30pm and felt horrid. Bought some gelato and fruit for later on,
but I feel like roadkill. A shower didn't help. I can't sleep, either, and hope I get good rest
tonight. I have the urge to sneeze, but nothing is happening.

Jurassic Park is on later on, so that's something to look forward to. I'm so happy I just
did it and called out. I had a bad cold a few months ago but went in the whole work week
and felt like I was on death's door for 2 nights in a row. Horrible. The nurses I talked to at
points throughout the night kept asking me if I was sick, too. Horrible.

I'm going to try and just rest until I go to sleep tonight. Crossing my fingers this thing is
out of my system by tomorrow afternoon. Adios.

Strange Dreams

Last night I slept pretty well, but had the strangest dreams. In one of them was David Duchovny, which was odd because I've never really thought about him or any show he's been
on, except the X-Files. The second dream was more of a strange, cabin in the woods kind
of nightmare mixed with some Hansel and Gretel fairy tale and I'll skip that one. Erase it.

Third dream was some kind of warm place with houses similar to ones you might find in
someplace like Miami. Everyone looked as if they had just gotten out of a pool and had wet hair.
Then I woke up and felt as though I had slept for 12 hours or so but it was only 7am. And
city road crews started drilling at 7:30! That's so wrong. So early and rude. I don't care if
it's Tuesday and most people are off to work. A lot of people aren't!

Feeling a little sick, too. Blarg. I hope this is just some little bug that comes from being
run-down on a lack of sleep, and the schedule switch. It's pretty warm out today, maybe the
pollen count is high or something. I hope it goes away. There's nothing worse than working
at night while having a bad cold. It's horrible and people you talk to on calls can always tell
you're sick, and usually comment on it, too, like "oh, are you under the weather? little cold?
poor thing!" yeah, thanks.

I took a shower and hoped that would jump start me into a state of healthy morning
bliss, but I still felt run down. Did about 50 lbs of laundry and that wiped out any good
feelings of post-warm-shower bliss.

I've been drinking these Rock Star guarana energy drinks. They have guava juice in them
and are supposedly good for you. I'm not sure if that's accurate or not, but they taste
kind of like some sort of exotic fruity bubblegum with carbonated water thrown in, and
seem to have the same effect as coffee. I drink one a day when I'm at work, but might just
opt for coffee this week to safe some money. The computer set me back at bit, but I'm very
happy to have it. Writing is very important and theraputic to me, and I need to get back to
it on a regular basis. I also need to get a new ipod, perhaps. Maybe even and ipad one day.

My emotional situation is ok some days, pretty bad on other days. I just feel very lonely
and unnattractive. It's not the best combination of feelings. Also, I'm feeling this need, at times,
to have children, but it's just a small feeling, not like I am anxiously awaiting being a mom
and playing softball with kids, or taking them to gymboree and kids r us. Nothing like that,
just more of a physical, biological thing. Still, it's usually a prelude to a hollow, empty sort of
emotion, and I don't like it. It brings me down, and I'm already down. :(.

I feel like I'm doing everything pretty much the right way for myself, except the slight
abnormality of my schedule, and my daily trips for coffee and energy drinks at the Allstar
Cafe, which is a kind of scary looking 24 hr donuts/coffee/sandwiches place close to work.
I try to avoid it some nights, but the lure of caffeine is too great. I tried going to works sans
caffeine a few nights and it was rough. All of these research articles I've read about how to
work and survive the graveyard shift have said to avoid caffeine and just bring healthy
food with you, then they mention basically how this shift can lead to an earlier certain death.
Nice, right? Very reassuring and comforting. Apparently, your Circadian rhythms are disturbed
by working all night, and the melatonin that is released when darkness falls makes you
tired, so you're fighting all of those things to stay awake. It's not really hard, more like a
sort of zombie state you find yourself in at 4 in the morining, which now feels like 2pm to me
some nights.

I look like a reject cast member from The Walking Dead, as in, one of the zombie extras who
wasn't needed that day and sent home, most days when I'm off, and especially in the mornings
when I come home. I guess that's a perk to being single, you can look as bad as you want and
not have to worry. If I had a boyfriend, I would definitely have a hard time surrending to the
sans makeup, natural look. I also probably would not eat nearly as much as I do now, which
really isn't that much.

I'm worried about my future. I don't want to be 45 years old and single, childless, struggling.
I need to get these tattoos lasered off of my hands first. And start saving money. That's so
important but I can't seem to do it. I always need or want things. Nicer clothes. Boots that
I never wear. A haircut or hair dye. New glasses are what I need and will try to get next month.
New comforter. A nicer TV stand than the old crappy one I have now. A fan for hot days.
Some new kitchenware. Maybe some magets for the fridge. A new chair. I feel like all of
this takes so long to accomplish, though. A car. I should really get a car. Just do it. Get my
license, and try to buy some crappy POS that I can drive to and from work, and maybe to
Target in Emeryville once in awhile. Then I need insurance. Another 200 a month. Plus
cable, PGE, student loans, and groceries. It never stops.

My aunt called me last night and I always really enjoy talking with her. She's a lot like my mom
was and they were very close, too. She told me she spoke to my cousin, who I used to be
close to, and mentioned that I had tried to reach out for her on Facebook last year, then was
pretty hurt when she completely ignored me, and never wrote back or called. She claimed she
never got any emails, and took my phone # from my aunt, promising to call. Well, big shocker,
she never did call. She's a little shady and probably still smokes a bunch of weed on a weekly
basis, too. I'm not crying about it.

That's all for today. Going to watch a movie and nap, and try to get pumped for a new work
week. It's hard to change your schedule, it really is. You basically have to retrain yourself to
prepare for new work days and new weekend days. I think I' m going to enjoy having Sunday
and Monday off a lot more in the coming weeks. Adios.

A little depressed.

I'm feeling a little blue today, but am excited about my new computer. I decided to stop wasting money on clothes I never wear and makeup I never use--hello, I work at night and no one sees me or my purple eyelids--so I made an adult decision/purchase. I'm happy. Happy I could afford a nice laptop and have some entertainment at home.

I've come a long way, I guess. Cable TV, a nice flatscreen, I pay all my own bills, keep everything
clean, and do a pretty decent job at work. I'm going to get my hand tattoos lasered off in the coming months and then my professional future will be better. I'm not comfortable with them
anymore, being in a much better place in my life now, at 29, than I was at 24. I shudder at
the thought.

My niece is a wonderful, adorable little person. I'm very happy for my sister and her husband. I was a little depressed today when I was with them, mainly because I felt like that might never be me. Will I have a child? A husband or boyfriend? Who will want to marry me? Probably no one. I'm not extremely good-looking. A little strange looking, actually. I've tried to make peace with that sad fact. There's nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes at work I get so tired. I'm tired of people and their horrible attitudes. Tired of
screaming children and their clueless parents. Tired of my co-worker who messes up her
calls all the time. But it's pretty good, for the most part.

Moving to Oakland was a good decision. Very good. Lake Merritt is safe enough and affordable. My apartment is extremely small, but the nice thing is that I have an actual kitchen, not a little
studio kitchenette. The foyer is cute, and the bathroom is nice, w/ an old clawfoot tub. Very
old-fashioned and cute. Of course I feel still like other people my age have their own homes
and houses, children and are married. And some of them still haven't moved out of their
parents' houses either, so I would say I'm in-between. The middle of the road.

I don't know really what the future has in store for me, but how can anyone know. I'm pretty
much not going to stress on it. I'm turning 30 next year. Sometimes I think about what life will be like at 45 and it's extremely frightening.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab w. Dr.Drew last night and there is this girl named Shelly
who works at the Pasadena Rehab Center. She's heavily tattooed on her arms and has kind
of a cool, retro style and vibe. And she is probably close to 40 or over 40. I'm hoping I can have a career similar to hers one day. I enjoy helping people in moments of great distress, and have
a lot of personal experience. I think that could be a calling for me.

I have thought about moving back East, but that is really not going to happen for me. You have to make wise decisions that will improve your life in a realistic way, not chase the fucking past,
esp. when the past was pretty horrible.

I've tried to be super thin and look great, but you know what? It's hard and makes me feel ill.
My menstrual cycle suffers and I get sick. And I'm miserable. I feel a little overweight, but
I can't do anything about it. I don't overeat, and walk a lot. I think working at night is a factor
with my metabolism. Maybe I'll join a gym soon or something.

My new schedule is pretty good. It's nice to be off Sunday nights. True Blood is getting a bit better. I was worried when the season started that it was going off of the rails too much.
Curb Your Enthusiasm is always a winner. Larry reminds me a little of the bald older guy
I met five years ago at Johnny's Bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I have a feeling he
was Jewish, too. I could be wrong, though.

I've tried to put that behind me, but it's still hard. He seemed wonderful and strong, and
funny. Like a perfect, older guy. Safe and established. I was so hoping when I got off the plane
in Newark last winter, this man would have been there, waiting for me somewhere. To confirm
my assumption about who he was. Of course that didn't happen.

It was snowing in NYC when I got to my hotel, and about zero degrees. I hoped to go out to
the same club I met him at, and maybe he would be there. Right. Still wearing the same plaid
shirt, too. He maybe have not even lived in Manhattan any longer for all I knew. He may
be married or divorced, or an eternal bachelor. I don't know.

**I'm hoping this computer is going to be a good investment. The monitor has been skipping
the keys on this blog.**

I do still think about him. I can't help it. He had a wonderful quality to him that must have
rubbed off on me right away. I thought a lot of things, but none of them happened. I even
thought for awhile that he was somewhere in San Francisco, and I would be able to be together
with him one day. I don't understand what happened. I wanted to be with this man so much
it made me feel like my entire body was literally on fire and enflamed. It was a horrible feeling
and wonderful, too. Horrible, though, because I couldn't control it. I even thought about
things like having children. He must have had a lot of testosterone or something for a reaction
like that to happen. I only talked to him and sat with him for maybe 2 hours or so.

It's time to watch some TV and relax. Buenos noches.