Sunny day

I watched this movie once where the girl says something about her 'sunny days', and how they remind her of a day her brother died. Obviously, it's just a movie, but I wonder how things like a warm day or a certain smell can remind you of tragic life events. Mine is tiger lilies. They always remind me of funeral parlors, a place that was a large part of my teenage years. The smell of death.

I hate going back to work on Tuesday nights. It's an endless stream of calls and work, and googling medical terminology I don't know. I want it to be Sunday again!! Ahh. But Sunday night is kind of a wash. I slept untl almost 5:3opm last Sunday, then before I knew it, it's Monday afternoon and I'm watching bad TV and thinking about how much I want the evening to never end.

I spoke to my sister in NJ today. I really can't stand her. Her rationale is so bad and twisted; she clearly has no real concern for her daughter's well-being. It's all lies and excuses. She claims her little girl 'loves' her boyfriend, this big bloated loser who doesn't do a fucking thing but drink beer and supposedly go to work in Hoboken, which I think is total bullshit. She claims that the only reason she doesn't have custody of her little girl is because of 'her job'. How many women work and take care of their kids? Everything in her life is such a horrible lie or sham or not the way it should be. She's such an asshole. I wonder if I have always known this. She didn't treat our mother that well, before she was sick. I miss my mom still, but can't think about her most days. It's very painful. I don't think I've ever really let myself fully grasp her death as being real. It's so hard. Maybe when I'm in my 30s I can process it better. I don't know.

I don't really enjoy talking to people I used to be friends with when I lived in NJ and was in high school. I don't live in that little town anymore and care nothing about their goings on. It's actually painful to be reminded of it in any capacity. People are so insensitive sometimes, it kind of blows my mind a bit. Maybe I'm too nice. Also, I have not heard anything about the Hurricane's effect in NJ because I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. Someplace 3000 miles away from where I live is not that forefront in my mind.

I'm having a hard time sleeping before work today. It's 4:30 and I haven't napped one bit, but watched crappy reality TV. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking, at times, about the guy, Steve, I met in NYC. I must be so damaged to latch myself emotionally to some older man who showed some attention to me out the blue for about maybe an hour or so, five years ago. I wish I could beam myself back to Manhattan to where this man is. :( I feel so lonesome
sometimes for someone like him I can hardly get out of bed or not cry a little.