Strange Dreams

Last night I slept pretty well, but had the strangest dreams. In one of them was David Duchovny, which was odd because I've never really thought about him or any show he's been
on, except the X-Files. The second dream was more of a strange, cabin in the woods kind
of nightmare mixed with some Hansel and Gretel fairy tale and I'll skip that one. Erase it.

Third dream was some kind of warm place with houses similar to ones you might find in
someplace like Miami. Everyone looked as if they had just gotten out of a pool and had wet hair.
Then I woke up and felt as though I had slept for 12 hours or so but it was only 7am. And
city road crews started drilling at 7:30! That's so wrong. So early and rude. I don't care if
it's Tuesday and most people are off to work. A lot of people aren't!

Feeling a little sick, too. Blarg. I hope this is just some little bug that comes from being
run-down on a lack of sleep, and the schedule switch. It's pretty warm out today, maybe the
pollen count is high or something. I hope it goes away. There's nothing worse than working
at night while having a bad cold. It's horrible and people you talk to on calls can always tell
you're sick, and usually comment on it, too, like "oh, are you under the weather? little cold?
poor thing!" yeah, thanks.

I took a shower and hoped that would jump start me into a state of healthy morning
bliss, but I still felt run down. Did about 50 lbs of laundry and that wiped out any good
feelings of post-warm-shower bliss.

I've been drinking these Rock Star guarana energy drinks. They have guava juice in them
and are supposedly good for you. I'm not sure if that's accurate or not, but they taste
kind of like some sort of exotic fruity bubblegum with carbonated water thrown in, and
seem to have the same effect as coffee. I drink one a day when I'm at work, but might just
opt for coffee this week to safe some money. The computer set me back at bit, but I'm very
happy to have it. Writing is very important and theraputic to me, and I need to get back to
it on a regular basis. I also need to get a new ipod, perhaps. Maybe even and ipad one day.

My emotional situation is ok some days, pretty bad on other days. I just feel very lonely
and unnattractive. It's not the best combination of feelings. Also, I'm feeling this need, at times,
to have children, but it's just a small feeling, not like I am anxiously awaiting being a mom
and playing softball with kids, or taking them to gymboree and kids r us. Nothing like that,
just more of a physical, biological thing. Still, it's usually a prelude to a hollow, empty sort of
emotion, and I don't like it. It brings me down, and I'm already down. :(.

I feel like I'm doing everything pretty much the right way for myself, except the slight
abnormality of my schedule, and my daily trips for coffee and energy drinks at the Allstar
Cafe, which is a kind of scary looking 24 hr donuts/coffee/sandwiches place close to work.
I try to avoid it some nights, but the lure of caffeine is too great. I tried going to works sans
caffeine a few nights and it was rough. All of these research articles I've read about how to
work and survive the graveyard shift have said to avoid caffeine and just bring healthy
food with you, then they mention basically how this shift can lead to an earlier certain death.
Nice, right? Very reassuring and comforting. Apparently, your Circadian rhythms are disturbed
by working all night, and the melatonin that is released when darkness falls makes you
tired, so you're fighting all of those things to stay awake. It's not really hard, more like a
sort of zombie state you find yourself in at 4 in the morining, which now feels like 2pm to me
some nights.

I look like a reject cast member from The Walking Dead, as in, one of the zombie extras who
wasn't needed that day and sent home, most days when I'm off, and especially in the mornings
when I come home. I guess that's a perk to being single, you can look as bad as you want and
not have to worry. If I had a boyfriend, I would definitely have a hard time surrending to the
sans makeup, natural look. I also probably would not eat nearly as much as I do now, which
really isn't that much.

I'm worried about my future. I don't want to be 45 years old and single, childless, struggling.
I need to get these tattoos lasered off of my hands first. And start saving money. That's so
important but I can't seem to do it. I always need or want things. Nicer clothes. Boots that
I never wear. A haircut or hair dye. New glasses are what I need and will try to get next month.
New comforter. A nicer TV stand than the old crappy one I have now. A fan for hot days.
Some new kitchenware. Maybe some magets for the fridge. A new chair. I feel like all of
this takes so long to accomplish, though. A car. I should really get a car. Just do it. Get my
license, and try to buy some crappy POS that I can drive to and from work, and maybe to
Target in Emeryville once in awhile. Then I need insurance. Another 200 a month. Plus
cable, PGE, student loans, and groceries. It never stops.

My aunt called me last night and I always really enjoy talking with her. She's a lot like my mom
was and they were very close, too. She told me she spoke to my cousin, who I used to be
close to, and mentioned that I had tried to reach out for her on Facebook last year, then was
pretty hurt when she completely ignored me, and never wrote back or called. She claimed she
never got any emails, and took my phone # from my aunt, promising to call. Well, big shocker,
she never did call. She's a little shady and probably still smokes a bunch of weed on a weekly
basis, too. I'm not crying about it.

That's all for today. Going to watch a movie and nap, and try to get pumped for a new work
week. It's hard to change your schedule, it really is. You basically have to retrain yourself to
prepare for new work days and new weekend days. I think I' m going to enjoy having Sunday
and Monday off a lot more in the coming weeks. Adios.