Saturday evening

I brought my new computer to an old coffee house I used to go to all the time, about 2 to 3 years ago. It's working out well and was a good investment. It feels a little bit large to me still, but it's working out. The keypad seems a little sensitive, but the computer was fairly cheap, as far as laptops go, even for Sony. I'm hoping it lasts for a good 2 to 3 years, if not more.

So tonight is my 'Friday'. Pretty happy about that, and it's feeling more normal to have the schedule switch. My clothing situation isn't too good. I looked an atrocious mess before leaving my apartment. Hair was bunk, bangs were bunk. They got too long and I cut them myself in a haste; obv. they came out all messed up. I can't seem to ever take hair stylists promise of a 'free bang trim' seriously. I feel like they will either give me some side eye if I actually go into the salon asking for a free bang trim, or they will charge me 2o bucks in the end. They grow out quickly, though.

Going to the laser removal center next Monday. Am looking forward to it, too. I think or am hoping the technician can fade the hand tattoos away to a point of no return. I'm over them. I'm over most of my tattoos, but am not rich so can't afford the treatment. However, once and if I am done with the first treatment, I might go back to get the chest tattoo lasered off, as well as the stars on my shoulders. Then I guess the rest I can live with.

Work last night was ok, but my coworker was once again almost totally non-functioning. She falls asleep to the point of it taking me screaming her name practically into her ear to wake her. Not even the beeping sound of calls waiting on her monitor can wake her up. She talks on her phone between calls, and actually put a caller on hold this morning and went back to her cell phone familial conversation. I was a little dumbfounded. She definitely gets away with a lot of stuff, but I guess that's not going to change. I feel bad for her family life, though. It's not an excuse, but whatever.

Sometimes I feel like people are much younger than me. I guess becoming old is going to be interesting. It's so much easier for men to age. They get more attractive and worldly, and interesting. Women just get more desperate to get married and have children, or get botox and plastic surgery.

There's a massive hurricane hitting the east coast right now, and I hope my family is ok. I should call my aunt tomorrow night and see. She lives at the beach, but I think they'll be fine.

So how boring is my life. I'm getting into a rut again. Unhappy with the way I look and dress.
I don't know why I seem to gain weight. Whenever I start eating like a normal person, my weight increases. It's not fair. Like everything else in my life is so grossly unfair. :(.

I hope tonight isn't busy. Last night my computer froze and of course my coworker was on a break, and completely comatose. I can't believe at times how she falls asleep like such a narcoleptic. She just nods off when taking calls, and then leaves the callers hanging on the line.

I'm tired. So tired, am on autopilot. Just want this night to be over already and get home,
to bed, then up for Sunday night HBO. It's a little lonely, but my life isn't that bad right now. It's pretty good sometimes, maybe. I just don't know. Being 29 yrs old is so tough. At 28 I was still hanging on to my old mindset maybe, or maybe was still ignoring the impending doom of 30. Now it's just like horrible. It's all hit me so fast. I will be 3o in less than a year, then 31, 32...it'll
get more serious and hard, and depressing.

My cousin is so shady and of course lied to my aunt about not getting my facebook message,
and about calling me. Just be honest. I don't even care anymore, she showed her true, shallow
colors a long time ago. What to the ever.

I need to get a new coat. Maybe a light pea coat or rain jacket, some boots, and new pants, for sure. Maybe a messenger bag. Gotta wait about 3 weeks. Grr. I look like a cross between extremely preppy and heavily tattooed person. Most of them I keep covered, though. I always kind of liked Fred Perry clothes for women and men. That kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse and her look. So sad she died. Horribly sad. I can't imagine the amount of hard drugs she did in her short lifetime.

I don't know what possessed me to buy a blue North Face fleece last year, but I did, and spent too much money on it. It's too short and not at all my style. I should go back to wearing all black.
That's pretty much a no fail zone.

So now I may veer into territory of the past. I think about it a lot. I think about people I thought were my friends and who turned out to be fucking horrible people. It's scary how you can never tell. Some really can fool you. I gotta let it go soon, though, because once I turn 3o all of that will be about 8 years in the past. Some of those people probably are married or have babies. Some are still doing the same shit they were back in 2004.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 was on tonight. I know how the Bride feels in that movie, with her Death List 5. I understand that level of rage, believe me. At least in the end she has her kid and complete revenge. Aren't the movies so nice?

I can't wait to have this crap lasered off my hands. It's going to be nice. Not sure what I was
thinking. All I remember is that it was extremely hot that day and I was alone, and not really in a good state of mind. 24 yrs old should have been fun and full of some promise and happiness, instead it was terror hell and desperation.

Got to do laundry tomorrow afternoon, unfortunately. It's the worst, most tedious errand ever. Or one of them. Then going to eat PB&J and drink iced tea all night, and sleep. If I can manage to get my laundry done, it'll be a major accomplishment. I have my appt. Monday afternoon.
I'm not really having huge life success out in California. It's come to a good place, though. I'm
happy with that. I have to let the rest go, and I have, but when you're alone all the time, all you have is the time to think about the ways people went out their way to hurt you and mess you up.
It's really painful and hurtful. I didn't deserve to be corrupted by assholes like I was all those years ago, at the most formative time in my early 20's.

(Love when people sit too close and then proceed to stare. It's always welcome, really. Really socially acceptable, too.)

I don't know what the future holds. I thought about trying to become an esthetician or something but you have to go to school. I'm not really sure what amazing job I might have gotten if I had my BA in English Lit from Montclair State. A lot of people with the same level of education are working crappy jobs making less than 35K a year. College is such a scam sometimes. Depending on what college you go to.

I'm waiting for about 9:45pm to get the bus, groan. It's not the most pleasant experience to be on muni in the mission, on Saturday night. It's kind of like freak show of semi-epic proportions. That gets old very quick. Trust.

I'm going to plan a trip back East in November, I think. Maybe even stay at the New Yorker again. The weather should be less frigid, too, I can walk around and have some experience. Get some perspective about the future. Maybe I'll strip my hair and dye it a lighter red soon, too.

I never really know if I'm horrible looking. Sometimes I feel like monstrous. My outfit is so horrible tonight. This coat is so off. Everything is off, I feel. I bought a faux-leather jacket from this little boutique, but it's such a piece of crap. 90 dollars for a junk coat. Everything there is flimsy and size xxsmall or 0. It's like H&M quality but more expensive. Kind of a rip off.

I guess that's all for now. Boring and repetetive am I. Adios.