A little depressed.

I'm feeling a little blue today, but am excited about my new computer. I decided to stop wasting money on clothes I never wear and makeup I never use--hello, I work at night and no one sees me or my purple eyelids--so I made an adult decision/purchase. I'm happy. Happy I could afford a nice laptop and have some entertainment at home.

I've come a long way, I guess. Cable TV, a nice flatscreen, I pay all my own bills, keep everything
clean, and do a pretty decent job at work. I'm going to get my hand tattoos lasered off in the coming months and then my professional future will be better. I'm not comfortable with them
anymore, being in a much better place in my life now, at 29, than I was at 24. I shudder at
the thought.

My niece is a wonderful, adorable little person. I'm very happy for my sister and her husband. I was a little depressed today when I was with them, mainly because I felt like that might never be me. Will I have a child? A husband or boyfriend? Who will want to marry me? Probably no one. I'm not extremely good-looking. A little strange looking, actually. I've tried to make peace with that sad fact. There's nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes at work I get so tired. I'm tired of people and their horrible attitudes. Tired of
screaming children and their clueless parents. Tired of my co-worker who messes up her
calls all the time. But it's pretty good, for the most part.

Moving to Oakland was a good decision. Very good. Lake Merritt is safe enough and affordable. My apartment is extremely small, but the nice thing is that I have an actual kitchen, not a little
studio kitchenette. The foyer is cute, and the bathroom is nice, w/ an old clawfoot tub. Very
old-fashioned and cute. Of course I feel still like other people my age have their own homes
and houses, children and are married. And some of them still haven't moved out of their
parents' houses either, so I would say I'm in-between. The middle of the road.

I don't know really what the future has in store for me, but how can anyone know. I'm pretty
much not going to stress on it. I'm turning 30 next year. Sometimes I think about what life will be like at 45 and it's extremely frightening.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab w. Dr.Drew last night and there is this girl named Shelly
who works at the Pasadena Rehab Center. She's heavily tattooed on her arms and has kind
of a cool, retro style and vibe. And she is probably close to 40 or over 40. I'm hoping I can have a career similar to hers one day. I enjoy helping people in moments of great distress, and have
a lot of personal experience. I think that could be a calling for me.

I have thought about moving back East, but that is really not going to happen for me. You have to make wise decisions that will improve your life in a realistic way, not chase the fucking past,
esp. when the past was pretty horrible.

I've tried to be super thin and look great, but you know what? It's hard and makes me feel ill.
My menstrual cycle suffers and I get sick. And I'm miserable. I feel a little overweight, but
I can't do anything about it. I don't overeat, and walk a lot. I think working at night is a factor
with my metabolism. Maybe I'll join a gym soon or something.

My new schedule is pretty good. It's nice to be off Sunday nights. True Blood is getting a bit better. I was worried when the season started that it was going off of the rails too much.
Curb Your Enthusiasm is always a winner. Larry reminds me a little of the bald older guy
I met five years ago at Johnny's Bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I have a feeling he
was Jewish, too. I could be wrong, though.

I've tried to put that behind me, but it's still hard. He seemed wonderful and strong, and
funny. Like a perfect, older guy. Safe and established. I was so hoping when I got off the plane
in Newark last winter, this man would have been there, waiting for me somewhere. To confirm
my assumption about who he was. Of course that didn't happen.

It was snowing in NYC when I got to my hotel, and about zero degrees. I hoped to go out to
the same club I met him at, and maybe he would be there. Right. Still wearing the same plaid
shirt, too. He maybe have not even lived in Manhattan any longer for all I knew. He may
be married or divorced, or an eternal bachelor. I don't know.

**I'm hoping this computer is going to be a good investment. The monitor has been skipping
the keys on this blog.**

I do still think about him. I can't help it. He had a wonderful quality to him that must have
rubbed off on me right away. I thought a lot of things, but none of them happened. I even
thought for awhile that he was somewhere in San Francisco, and I would be able to be together
with him one day. I don't understand what happened. I wanted to be with this man so much
it made me feel like my entire body was literally on fire and enflamed. It was a horrible feeling
and wonderful, too. Horrible, though, because I couldn't control it. I even thought about
things like having children. He must have had a lot of testosterone or something for a reaction
like that to happen. I only talked to him and sat with him for maybe 2 hours or so.

It's time to watch some TV and relax. Buenos noches.