Labor Day Fog

So tired today. Lord, god. I thought it was going to be a good one when I woke up, went to Walgreens, and came home to drink an energy drink. Spent about an hour cleaning my kitchen,
then the bathroom, and then ate lunch. I was maybe going to go back into the city to see my sister and niece, but my sister's husband was off for the holiday, and I felt like they probably wanted some family time.

After I hung the phone up with my sister, I just became so unbelieviably sad, the kind of sad that makes you immobile. I tried to motivate to go into the city, but couldn't do it. Ended up putting my pj's back on, then got back into bed, and napped for 2 hours. I finally got a real dinner tonight, too, cheeseburger and fries, and some Coke. I feel better now, albeit kind of unhealthy.
I walk a lot and try to watch my diet, but my body seems to want to not lose weight. I don't know if it's because I'm approaching 3o and it's changing, or if I'm really not eating that healthy.
It just added to my misery before I fell into sleep. It was a good nap, at least.

So I'm watching Avatar on HBO now and just relaxing in bed/couch. That's the thing about studio apartments: your bed is often times your living room sofa, too. I'd like to get a 1 bedroom apartment next year. Do I want to still be living out here next year, though? Kind of...not really.

I want to move. I really do. But it's so difficult and I don't know if I can go through the process of job hunting and feeling that horrible uncertainty about life. Maybe I could stay with my aunt for awhile, but I don't know. I feel like my family thinks I'm unstable and they don't really want to be reminded of my sad story, or my parents. I'm sure if I asked, she would say yes, but I have to be smart. Being 30, homeless, and jobless is not the way to be.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was Steve from nyc. I feel so horribly lame and pathetic. I felt like my soul is missing some key piece to being complete and he had the missing piece, but I could never find him again. I feel so sad to think that someone could have such an impact on you, and then you never at least have the chance to tell them this in person.