October Rust

I'm pretty happy that it's October, and also that it's Sunday. Two good things. Last night wasn't too bad. It's never perfect.

Today's a nice day: cold, gray, and dark. The sun is taking longer to come up, daylight savings is coming soon. My trip to NYC is about a month away. I'm realizing I won't have enough money to do all the things I wanted to do, to get myself ready and looking/feeling good before I go. Oh well. At least I'm going.

I still have nervousness about things though. The semipermanence of things. Things now are pretty permanent, but there is the 10 percent part of the little pie that is titled the 'not knowing
part'. I'm just going to leave that alone, though, or try to.

I found a yoga center in Oakland, about 20 minutes from my apartment: it seems pretty great:
they offer therapy, deep tissue massges, acupuncture, and they have a cute boutique where they sell yoga clothes, mats, bags, etc. Plus the classes are fairly cheap and they offer all kinds of specials. I'm going to go soon, one Sunday evening or Monday morning. I really need to do something for myself that is social, but not too social. I want to really get into it and let my life flow in a more peaceful way, w/ less blockage from all sorts of negative people/energy. I just don't need it anymore. I can't dwell on it, I can't think about it, I can't have it in my life. I'm not going into my 30s still wondering or feeling bad over shit that happened when I was 23 years old. I really feel like centering myself with yoga and taking classes will be a big positive. I can't go every day b/c of work, but even one or two a week will be good. I need to do a lot of re-tooling on myself. I've fallen into a slump.

Coffee shops play the worst music sometimes.

Sometimes I think that being alone is a good thing. I really do. It's hassle-free. Burden-free. I guess companionship is what everyone covets, but it just seems to bring a tons of heartache, eventually. Break-ups and fights. Repeat and repeat. I can't handle things like that. I don't care to even deal with the possibility of a situation like that. People get lazy, or scared of being alone, or they want someone to financially depend on. So many people marry or get involved for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I feel a huge disconnect from other people, as humans. It's Sunday morning, and early, and I'm not really into debating things on my blog, but I had to touch on that. California is such a strange place. It's such a magnet for horrible low lifes, horrible yuppies, wannabe gurus, wannabes in general. If you have a lot of success, that's great, but I just feel like there is something so strange and slightly off about people out here. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not me.

I've thought about trying to move to Philadelphia. There's affordable housing and probably more jobs than other places. And it's back East, slightly familiar scenery. I've got to do something. Make some kind of change. I can't just be in California forever. I don't feel like it will be good for me if I wake up in 10 years, still living here. That thought gives me the bad chills, actually. Very bad.

Moving is the worst kind of hassle, and I can't imagine dragging my possessions across the country. Apartments don't fall out of the sky. Landlords are suspicious by nature and most of them check credit. If they don't, they're either extremely cool and understanding about life's difficulties, or the place is kind of bogus on some level. I think there's a chance that I could move
back East and still keep my job, but it probably would be a slim chance. Also, I'm not sure if Philly is very walkable, but I think it might be. I went down there once and it wasn't too bad. Same things every other city has, crime, violence, some shadiness. You can't escape that unless you move back to the suburbs, I guess. If I did move to Philly, I would have to have a cash cushion and a place to go immediately. Maybe it would be good, a good decision, good place to go. Kind of new territory, but close to some familiarity. If I wanted to visit my aunt, I could take a train and be there in an hour, not fly six hours across the GD country. I just don't want to be out here anymore. I feel so disconnected and I just don't like it. It's not my place. I don't love it here.