Found this picture when I was searching for peaceful celestial imagery. Kind of cool. Very
tired today, but how is that different from any other day. Last night was so long and at a few
moments, I was more than exhausted. It's really unpleasant to be feeling exhausted and alternately have adrenaline hit when you have a tense moment at work, all at 2:30am. I'm really starting to just get fed up with commuting, and walking, and commuting again, and the nighttime humidity, then freezing cold in the morning, and the lack of sleep. It's really hard, really, really hard and not a lot of people can understand or sympathize. By the time morning rolls around and the sun begins to come up, I'm hardly able to put a rational thought together, and kind of stumble home. Wish this wasn't the way my life was going, but no other choice right now. I can't complain too much.

I haven't listened to this album in a long time. (Psalm 69 by Ministry) Sometimes you don't really want music that you listened to during a bad time to bring you back, but I think I've moved on enough so that I can listen to it and not feel horror or fear. My coma lifted and now I'm awake, trying to motivate to clean, or watch movies. I also want to stop doing or thinking about things that are counterproductive to even small success.

It's Sunday! So happy, but am very tired. Sat/Sun at work is always very hard. This week just wasn't my week. I had some calls with mistakes, obv. unintentional, but still. I'm usually error free. Seeing those messages in my work acct kind of started my shitty week off and it kept rolling, complete with a case of the hiccups at 2-3 am, and a few moments of extreme fatigue. The good thing is that they go away if you blast loud music or movies for a few minutes. Does the trick every time, I think.

I watched The Walking Dead pilot episode last night (so happy I finally have On Demand) and
holy sheez that was some scary business! At first I thought it was going to be some really standard, been there a million times kind of zombie thing, but it was good. Not really too good watching it in the dark with a candle burning, though. I'm going to try and watch 2 episodes this morning before my coma starts.

Hoping I can get the Pittsburgh train this morning, so that I can catch a cab at 12th st. I can't really handle walking home today, w/ humidity, possible rain, and my fatigue. When there's mistakes at work, it's kind of pointed out to you in a way that is very cut and dry. I guess sometimes there's no other way, but it still stings a bit. I haven't had any CC mistakes in
almost 8 months. I think that's probably good. I hope it is.

I need to get a new coat, b/c this blue fleece I'm wearing is the kind of jacket a soccer and
rugby playing girl who graduated from UNC Chapel Hill would be wearing. I also miss my long hair, but it looked so bad before I cut it. It had to go. I think I'll lighten it before I go back to
NYC. I should go back to black clothing. I'm not in tune with my identity right now, in terms of
the way I look. I also need new glasses in the worst way. Some tortoiseshell frames would be good. My red librarian glasses I wear have taken much abuse.

Almost forgot, today is the big S&M, in your face fest that is the Folsom St. Fair. I've never
gone, and will be sleeping all day, but probably wouldn't check it out. This city is so liberal that
you could probably walk around in leather chaps and a ball gag on Tuesday afternoon and people would just smile. Not in all neighborhoods, but some.

Sometimes I'm not sure I believe in karma. But today, at this moment, I really hope that
it is real.

As much as I love Mickey Rouke, circa 1990's and recent, this is the kind of man I hope to end up with one day. And that completes my daily duties to the Blog Gods b/c I have to rest now. Peace and harmony to you.

I just watched 'Wild Orchid' and had to post a picture of one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen on film. <3

This is Vung Chua Mountain, where my father
was based during some of his service in the
military, in the late 60's-early 70's.

Two of my favorite things:
Scottish fold cats and violets.
I can't really post anything
wihtout it getting messed up
so I'll just leave it at this.

This reminds me of a moment in my life, seven years ago, when things began to unravel for me. I think my subconscious was trying to guide me when I first found this in poster form at a little store in upstate New York. Still one of my favorite things to look at.

Pod People

I'm charging my batteries before work tonight w/ usual coffee and internet. I feel like I have to be careful of internet overload, though. I have almost 8 hours of internet at work, plus work, so it's easy so kind of OD on it. Sometimes I can't just sit around at my apartment til 9pm. I usually have good luck w/ AC Transit, but every now and then they fail me and I end up walking to the subway, which is a scary, kind of long and dark walk through an urban-brush-jungle and some dim-lit corners.

I have a ticket back to Newark Intl Airport and am going to book my hotel tomorrow. Kind of internally groaning since I get paid and have been so, so, so broke, but it'll be worth it. Found a cheap place in Midtown that seems very clean and has a good reputation, and shared bathrooms.
3 days for about 570. So there goes half my paycheck. Then after bills, I'm broke again. There's a lot of things I need to do before I go back: get new glasses, which is another $400, then some mature clothing that is age appropriate for 29 year old women. I feel like, at times, I dress much the same as I did at 20 years old. I need a nice button down winter coat, too, and must ditch the subterranean puffy jacket I wore last year.

It's still 2 months away, though. Work is same as usual this week. Taking the subway is horrible. I never feel as uncomfortable as I am on the subway, mixed together with a bunch of strangers on an underground train. Just part of urban life, but not the greatest part.

I've been watching some depressing movies the past 2 evenings: Sylvia, about Sylvia Plath, and then House of Sand and Fog, which was horribly, horrendously depressing. I caught the end, which was the worst part. Ben Kingsley is such a great actor that I'll watch anything he is in, though. I saw a movie about 3 years ago with him and Penelope Cruz called Elegy, which was lovely.

I'm thinking that I should dye my hair a lighter color, maybe red. I feel like sometimes I do the same thing all the time and that's bad, like I need to get in the now, the 2011 now. Then I remember I'm usually kind of financially strapped and get lazy. I don't know.

It's pretty much officially Fall now. Halloween right around the corner. Thankfully I have Halloween evening off. I wish I wasn't so stuck sometimes; like I had a nice warm place to go home to, a mom or dad to talk to. It's still such a bad, big gaping hole I don't think it will ever really not be there, hollow and full of pain.

My hand is still a little swollen after the laser treatment. I had to drain more fluid this evening, which is barbaric and a little grotesque, but that's kind of like my thing, I guess. It's all very involved, sterilizing needles and DIY drainage! Yea! Actually, more like no....no. no. It doesn't look very different, maybe a tiny bit lighter. The whole fading process will take some time, probably over 8 months.

I always get a little wary of the loose cannon types of invade the coffee houses of SF, specifically the Mission. As long as you don't make eye contact, youe're ok, usually. If there is even a nanosecond of eye contact, they will attack you with their craziness and say something really embarrassing. It's happened to me before, but not in awhile, since I left the Mission. I don't miss it here. On the 14 bus tonight, I sat behind a woman in dirty clothes, eating an enormous cob of greasy corn, the kind that comes on a stick. Then another woman with a bunch of luggage that looked like newspaper and bandages all over her hands sat down. Bus police all over the place, busting people who don't pay the fare. Bad smells and a lot of midwestern young kids who are so trendy it's painful to look at. No, thanks.

Here's hoping tonight isn't too bad. I would say what the yuppies out here say, "cheers!", if it didn't make me sound like a pretentious douche bag. Adios.

Tattoo removal

So today was my first laser removal treatment. I wasn't too nervous, really, but once I was sitting on the table and had a pair of protective goggles on, I did, in fact, feel a slight twinge of fear. The technician, who was very professional and pleasant, gave me two small stress balls,
and I wondered how bad the pain could be?

BAD. VERY, VERY BAD. Probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Ideas of having other tattoos removed went out the window immediately. I said to myself, I can live with them,
if I can avoid feeling this horrific pain on any other part of my body ever again.

The good news is that it only lasts for about 5 minutes. But the numbing cream they used didn't
really do anything, and I had to ask the tech to stop for a minute. I would have taken more time to rest if he hadn't seemed in a hurry. Once it was done, I was bandaged and left the building on shaky legs.

I really hate tattoos. I hate that I got any of them. I can live with them because I have to,
but I don't know why or what was prompting me to get them done. At least I am not in that mental place any longer, and never will be again. Could be much worse, probably.

My hand looks very puffy and I'm still wearing the bandages, which I think I should take off soon. I'm relieved I have the night off tonight.

Planning my trip back to NYC/NJ in 2 months! I'm going to stay at a cheap hotel, maybe the Pod Hotel, for 3 nights, then try to stay at my aunt's house in Ocean. I called her today and told her about my plans, but she seemed like she wasn't too sure about it. I guess if it's an issue I could stay in a b&b or just get 2 extra nights at a hotel in Manhattan. Not gonna stress things.

Last time I was pretty ill-prepared for a trip back East. I looked a fright and wasn't mentally ready for it, maybe. I'm going to try and get excited and feel good about it this time. I think I'll probably go back to that bar in the East Village and sit in the same place that I sat when I met
'Steve', and try to make peace with some things.

I was browsing jobs in Manhattan today and found this customer service position that is the
same job I do now, and they even advertised for people who are trained in the same type of software that we use. Such a shame I'm here and not there. I almost wanted to email them and
be like 'I use Infinity software! I'll be back in 6 to 8 months! Please wait for me!'. :(

Also looked at apartments in the Ironbound District of Newark. If I can live in Oakland with no problems, then Newark shouldn't be much different. I'm really going to try and plan things better for myself. I don't want to be miserable forever, and unhappy, and hating the place I live.

Sunday morning coffee

Last night was tough, but it's over, and now I can go home. I'm not sure what is with people, sometimes. I had kind of a hard time with problematic callers.

I went to my sister's and had some dinner, watched a movie called Le Divorce. It was pretty
good, too, surprising since Kate Hudson was in it. She's actually a good actress, but keeps making these horrible movies like Bride Wars and Something Borrowed. Watching commercials fs for the latter can cause you to develop hives and a nervous twitch, I think. Awful garbage.

I'm going for my first laser removal treatment tomorrow. It should be good. It'll probably take 8 months to remove the whole thing, but that's fine by me. Also, I'm going on vacation back to Manhattan once again on Nov. 13th. 2 months! I hope it comes quick, then goes by slowly. I really need the relaxation time and new scenery. The 9/11 Memorial is on TV this morning, I kind of wish I was at the ceremony. I'm definitely going to go see it when I go back.

My period started yesterday, pretty unexpectedly. Usually I can really sense it, but every now and then it surprises you. It's so horrific this month, too. My cramps were extremely difficult and I was out of Tylenol, and in too much pain to walk to Walgreens and buy more, so I suffered it out. Awful. They dulled after awhile, but didn't stop fully until about 2am this morning, so a total of 12 hours of cramps, and a lot of blood. Very hard to be a woman today. I feel so uncomfortable and lethargic.

But tonight is the True Blood and Curb finale(s)!!! yeah, kind of only a little bit excited, but it's still something. I'm so broke I can't get my usual red blooded red meat hamburger that I always crave when the period comes. That's also contributed to my shitty week.

Pi - Super bon bon

Malpractice

Lately, I've been feeling like my horrible former orthodontist, who still practices in NJ, should be held accountable for completely not fixing, not even making a dent, in my dental work that I had done, TWICE, by his shoddy practice. I ventured to their office website last night, and it was typical, kind of internet via 1999 with neon colors and lame shots of this class A douche bad and his son, who is also now an orthodontist at the same office. VOM.

But now that I'm a mature adult, this makes me incredibly enraged. My parents paid upwards
of ten grand to this awful, vile serpent who was never friendly, smelled bad, and ran his practice out of a large old victorian house that was converted into a medical office. Why did they bring me there? And when my teeth weren't corrected after the first time, why did my mother bring me back to him? She should have taken me to another doctor. Why did my mother never make dentist appointments for me? Or take me to a gynecologist when I was 15? Why didn't SOMEONE? Why didn't someone, SOMEONE, close to me, EVER, AT ALL, say: Kate, you may need to get your teeth fixed again? I had money at one point. Just goes to prove how shitty your family and friends can be when you aren't looking. I really wasn't looking for quite a long time,
maybe as close as I should have been.

I want to at least call this man's office and let him know that now, at 29 years old, my teeth are still messed up and the five years total of braces I had didn't work. His promise of fixing my teeth without extraction didn't work. I felt rage so intense last night, I had to just close my eyes and take a moment to remind myself that I was at work, and had to focus on said work. But I feel so violated and cheated, and not only me, but my parents, who trusted this old, miserable fool to do his job correctly. He fucked up, and fucked up TWICE. Sent me packing with my retainer and that was it. And there was one time where I showed up chewing gum, which is not something you should do when you have braces. I understand that now. But I was 15, and stressed out at home. My mother was dying of cancer. And I will never forget how this digusting jerk verbally abused me, a CHILD, in front of his entire office staff about chewing the gum. He began screaming at me, then demanded to speak to my mother. I told him she wasn't there, and he began yelling at me again, asking why she wasn't with me. Finally, I said, because she is
home, she has cancer, and she is dying. This man's face turned a few shades of purple, and he eventually apologized after a long period of silence.

Anyway, he was obviously not a very good doctor. Greedy, and probably lied and said he could fix my teeth without extraction to get paid. From the looks of his website, he has had a face lift, too. The world is not a fair place. I don't really believe in things like karma and justice. I just want to get in bed, curl into a ball, and float away.

Graveyard Shift (1990) Trailer

Labor Day Fog

So tired today. Lord, god. I thought it was going to be a good one when I woke up, went to Walgreens, and came home to drink an energy drink. Spent about an hour cleaning my kitchen,
then the bathroom, and then ate lunch. I was maybe going to go back into the city to see my sister and niece, but my sister's husband was off for the holiday, and I felt like they probably wanted some family time.

After I hung the phone up with my sister, I just became so unbelieviably sad, the kind of sad that makes you immobile. I tried to motivate to go into the city, but couldn't do it. Ended up putting my pj's back on, then got back into bed, and napped for 2 hours. I finally got a real dinner tonight, too, cheeseburger and fries, and some Coke. I feel better now, albeit kind of unhealthy.
I walk a lot and try to watch my diet, but my body seems to want to not lose weight. I don't know if it's because I'm approaching 3o and it's changing, or if I'm really not eating that healthy.
It just added to my misery before I fell into sleep. It was a good nap, at least.

So I'm watching Avatar on HBO now and just relaxing in bed/couch. That's the thing about studio apartments: your bed is often times your living room sofa, too. I'd like to get a 1 bedroom apartment next year. Do I want to still be living out here next year, though? Kind of...not really.

I want to move. I really do. But it's so difficult and I don't know if I can go through the process of job hunting and feeling that horrible uncertainty about life. Maybe I could stay with my aunt for awhile, but I don't know. I feel like my family thinks I'm unstable and they don't really want to be reminded of my sad story, or my parents. I'm sure if I asked, she would say yes, but I have to be smart. Being 30, homeless, and jobless is not the way to be.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was Steve from nyc. I feel so horribly lame and pathetic. I felt like my soul is missing some key piece to being complete and he had the missing piece, but I could never find him again. I feel so sad to think that someone could have such an impact on you, and then you never at least have the chance to tell them this in person.

Weekend again

Another Sunday morning. Now that I have a better computer, it's nice to hit up coffee houses again and relax a bit before getting the 8am subway back home. Tonight is great/good TV:
True Blood, Curb, and some kind of bad but entertaining reality shows. I'll see if I'm still functioning at 10pm, it's unlikely.

Last night was difficult and long. But so dead, hardly anyone calling, TG. Seriously. If it had been slammed, I don't know what I would have done, probably cried blood or something.

It's a very Pacific Northwest kind of morning out here. Foggy and smells a little like chimey smoke and pine. It's nice. Kind of makes me want to move further up north to Washington, in a fantasy kind of way.

I was looking at bigger apartments last night; and even though my apt now is so small, I think it suits my needs just fine. The location and safety of the neighborhood is pretty prime, too. I could find a 1 bedroom but having to compromise safety isn't really worth it.

The endless supply of wackos and psychos in SF is a given, at this point, but at 7:36am on Sunday morning? Can it just rest for one fucking minute? It's so GD annoying. And frightening.
I guess even creepers wake up early for their coffee.

I think I'm going to wait til after the New Year to go back East. I don't really want to take vacation, then be asked to cover holidays I'm not even scheduled to be working. And I hope I'm not asked to cover anything I'm not on the schedule for. My schedule gives me Christmas Day
and New Year's Day off, which is good b/c I worked every single holiday last year. It's not really that bad or unpleasant, just quiet. Commuting to work on New Year's Eve was horrible, the subway was over maximum capacity, full of crazies and people who like to pre-game before their big night out.

Almost time to go home and watch movies, and do nothing at all. I'm looking forward to it.
My sister called me last night: I really don't know how to feel about talking to her. Sometimes I think it's better for my sanity to not speak to her at all, but I have a heart and feel bad. Problem is, she doesn't have much of anything resembling a heart. That's kind of a bad thought there, but it's true. It's the reason she never seemed to apologize about things like not paying the insurance on our mother's car when I was driving it to school, and it was impounded. I was left by the cops on the side of a highway restaurant. Or cutting me out of a full inheritance she had kept for me in trust. Not sure why my other sister just didn't keep the whole thing. Or why I ever saw a bank statement or I don't know, was presented with some options about investing or things like that. The guy who managed the money is a douche bag friend of my sister's felon ex-husband. It's so awful and white trash. I think it's funny to her. Or maybe her mind is so shot to hell she doesn't know what is acceptable and what is not anymore. I could wax on for years about this and how many ways I've been hurt. I try to take responsibility for my bad decisions, too, though.
It's a no win kind of thing.

I watched the movie 'Pi' yesterday for the first time, after years of always wanting to see it. It was really good, too, in a strange kind of way. I noticed too, that the old weirdo on the subway who sings to the lead character is the same old weirdo from the subway in Black Swan. Black Swan seemed a lot like Pi. I want to try and find Requiem for a Dream.

I guess everyone is waking up in the city now. I kind of want to stay for awhile and keep writing. Sometimes going home right away to sleep isn't beneficial. Ten minutes and then I'll go.

Winding down isn't too bad. I couldn't face Starbucks this morning, sometimes the yuppified
sheen glistens too bright in there. I'm hoping Resident Evil is on at some point either today or tomorrow. I never saw the whole thing, but ended up watching it 2 nights ago and it was pretty good.

You could spend a lot of time trying to think about why people do what they do or what makes them do evil. That sounds kind of basic or scary, but why can't they just say no. Is it just a simple lack of conscience or what.

**side note: hangover food of choice still greasy eggs, cheese, and butter on a big bagel full of liquor absorbing carbohydrates. I'm observing this behavior in 2 youngish guys who seem
punchy-drunk and are dressed near identical to each other.**

Just about time to go. The lights are becoming too bright, I need sleep. Buenos noches.