Sunny day

I watched this movie once where the girl says something about her 'sunny days', and how they remind her of a day her brother died. Obviously, it's just a movie, but I wonder how things like a warm day or a certain smell can remind you of tragic life events. Mine is tiger lilies. They always remind me of funeral parlors, a place that was a large part of my teenage years. The smell of death.

I hate going back to work on Tuesday nights. It's an endless stream of calls and work, and googling medical terminology I don't know. I want it to be Sunday again!! Ahh. But Sunday night is kind of a wash. I slept untl almost 5:3opm last Sunday, then before I knew it, it's Monday afternoon and I'm watching bad TV and thinking about how much I want the evening to never end.

I spoke to my sister in NJ today. I really can't stand her. Her rationale is so bad and twisted; she clearly has no real concern for her daughter's well-being. It's all lies and excuses. She claims her little girl 'loves' her boyfriend, this big bloated loser who doesn't do a fucking thing but drink beer and supposedly go to work in Hoboken, which I think is total bullshit. She claims that the only reason she doesn't have custody of her little girl is because of 'her job'. How many women work and take care of their kids? Everything in her life is such a horrible lie or sham or not the way it should be. She's such an asshole. I wonder if I have always known this. She didn't treat our mother that well, before she was sick. I miss my mom still, but can't think about her most days. It's very painful. I don't think I've ever really let myself fully grasp her death as being real. It's so hard. Maybe when I'm in my 30s I can process it better. I don't know.

I don't really enjoy talking to people I used to be friends with when I lived in NJ and was in high school. I don't live in that little town anymore and care nothing about their goings on. It's actually painful to be reminded of it in any capacity. People are so insensitive sometimes, it kind of blows my mind a bit. Maybe I'm too nice. Also, I have not heard anything about the Hurricane's effect in NJ because I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. Someplace 3000 miles away from where I live is not that forefront in my mind.

I'm having a hard time sleeping before work today. It's 4:30 and I haven't napped one bit, but watched crappy reality TV. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking, at times, about the guy, Steve, I met in NYC. I must be so damaged to latch myself emotionally to some older man who showed some attention to me out the blue for about maybe an hour or so, five years ago. I wish I could beam myself back to Manhattan to where this man is. :( I feel so lonesome
sometimes for someone like him I can hardly get out of bed or not cry a little.

Sunday morning

Just got out of work but I'm still wired; I had 2 extra large cups of coffee before going in, and they carried me throughout the whole night, pretty much. I'm feeling ok.

I was walking to Starbucks this morning, and felt for the first time like I finally understand where I am; the Pacific Northwest, in an overly expensive city with tons of fucking crazy ass
people. No summer. Heavy fog and drizzle, and more wackos in abundance. I don't know. Maybe if I could afford to live here, it would seem appealing.

Oakland isn't that bad, though. So far, so good. My apartment is a little cupboard, but it's ok
for me. I don't really need that much anyway. So my weekend has started, or my Weekend
1.5, being that I work Sunday mornings and have the nighttime off. It's not the same as having a whole day off, trust. But I'll take it! I'm off! Yeah! Got to call my aunt today and see how they are doing with the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. I was watching a live feed of midtown Manhattan last night and it kept making me too sad and full of some heartache. Maybe Kill Bill will be on tonight, or Jurassic Park.

I need a new blog name, but this one is all I can come up with for now. Starbucks chai used
to be kind of sweet, but it seems like they have switched to original spicy chai. It's not that good
for some reason.

Can't wait to sleep a bit. I'm going to try to nap but wake up early enough to do...nothing
but watch TV. No laundry. That can be saved for tomorrow morning. Groan. Monday is over before it even starts sometimes. And Tuesday is a wash. I spend the whole day trying to rest up for work that night.

I don't know why I chopped away at my bangs. I just got so sick of them in my eyes and face.
I should just save my money and stick with what I"ve got for awhile. I don't go out ever and
there's no reason to look cute or style-savvy. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I should just save money so I can leave California. I can't be 30 years old and still out here. I don't know.
I'm going to plan another trip back to NYC and maybe try to stay at this place called the Pod
Hotel for 2 days, then visit my aunt and sister/niece. I miss my little niece. My sister is a
king sized asshole and horrible mother. I can't even elaborate, it's too much. But all I can say is that that little girl has been hurt by her mother, my big, stupid sister, and it's all my sister's
fault. She is honestly one of the worst people I know, and I am related to her. Maybe that's not an uncommon phenomenon.

So that will be the plan. I've got to apply for vacation or PTO at least 30 days in advance, but can wait til mid-September. I'll have to book a flight and leave from SFO or Oakland International
Airport.

**lovely little bit of info: crazy homeless bitch dressed in about 10 layers of clothing is standing outside the window of Starbucks, trying to use her homeless eyed whammy to get money
from the customers. Pathetic and sad. Drugs are bad.** --a Haiku.

Saturday evening

I brought my new computer to an old coffee house I used to go to all the time, about 2 to 3 years ago. It's working out well and was a good investment. It feels a little bit large to me still, but it's working out. The keypad seems a little sensitive, but the computer was fairly cheap, as far as laptops go, even for Sony. I'm hoping it lasts for a good 2 to 3 years, if not more.

So tonight is my 'Friday'. Pretty happy about that, and it's feeling more normal to have the schedule switch. My clothing situation isn't too good. I looked an atrocious mess before leaving my apartment. Hair was bunk, bangs were bunk. They got too long and I cut them myself in a haste; obv. they came out all messed up. I can't seem to ever take hair stylists promise of a 'free bang trim' seriously. I feel like they will either give me some side eye if I actually go into the salon asking for a free bang trim, or they will charge me 2o bucks in the end. They grow out quickly, though.

Going to the laser removal center next Monday. Am looking forward to it, too. I think or am hoping the technician can fade the hand tattoos away to a point of no return. I'm over them. I'm over most of my tattoos, but am not rich so can't afford the treatment. However, once and if I am done with the first treatment, I might go back to get the chest tattoo lasered off, as well as the stars on my shoulders. Then I guess the rest I can live with.

Work last night was ok, but my coworker was once again almost totally non-functioning. She falls asleep to the point of it taking me screaming her name practically into her ear to wake her. Not even the beeping sound of calls waiting on her monitor can wake her up. She talks on her phone between calls, and actually put a caller on hold this morning and went back to her cell phone familial conversation. I was a little dumbfounded. She definitely gets away with a lot of stuff, but I guess that's not going to change. I feel bad for her family life, though. It's not an excuse, but whatever.

Sometimes I feel like people are much younger than me. I guess becoming old is going to be interesting. It's so much easier for men to age. They get more attractive and worldly, and interesting. Women just get more desperate to get married and have children, or get botox and plastic surgery.

There's a massive hurricane hitting the east coast right now, and I hope my family is ok. I should call my aunt tomorrow night and see. She lives at the beach, but I think they'll be fine.

So how boring is my life. I'm getting into a rut again. Unhappy with the way I look and dress.
I don't know why I seem to gain weight. Whenever I start eating like a normal person, my weight increases. It's not fair. Like everything else in my life is so grossly unfair. :(.

I hope tonight isn't busy. Last night my computer froze and of course my coworker was on a break, and completely comatose. I can't believe at times how she falls asleep like such a narcoleptic. She just nods off when taking calls, and then leaves the callers hanging on the line.

I'm tired. So tired, am on autopilot. Just want this night to be over already and get home,
to bed, then up for Sunday night HBO. It's a little lonely, but my life isn't that bad right now. It's pretty good sometimes, maybe. I just don't know. Being 29 yrs old is so tough. At 28 I was still hanging on to my old mindset maybe, or maybe was still ignoring the impending doom of 30. Now it's just like horrible. It's all hit me so fast. I will be 3o in less than a year, then 31, 32...it'll
get more serious and hard, and depressing.

My cousin is so shady and of course lied to my aunt about not getting my facebook message,
and about calling me. Just be honest. I don't even care anymore, she showed her true, shallow
colors a long time ago. What to the ever.

I need to get a new coat. Maybe a light pea coat or rain jacket, some boots, and new pants, for sure. Maybe a messenger bag. Gotta wait about 3 weeks. Grr. I look like a cross between extremely preppy and heavily tattooed person. Most of them I keep covered, though. I always kind of liked Fred Perry clothes for women and men. That kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse and her look. So sad she died. Horribly sad. I can't imagine the amount of hard drugs she did in her short lifetime.

I don't know what possessed me to buy a blue North Face fleece last year, but I did, and spent too much money on it. It's too short and not at all my style. I should go back to wearing all black.
That's pretty much a no fail zone.

So now I may veer into territory of the past. I think about it a lot. I think about people I thought were my friends and who turned out to be fucking horrible people. It's scary how you can never tell. Some really can fool you. I gotta let it go soon, though, because once I turn 3o all of that will be about 8 years in the past. Some of those people probably are married or have babies. Some are still doing the same shit they were back in 2004.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 was on tonight. I know how the Bride feels in that movie, with her Death List 5. I understand that level of rage, believe me. At least in the end she has her kid and complete revenge. Aren't the movies so nice?

I can't wait to have this crap lasered off my hands. It's going to be nice. Not sure what I was
thinking. All I remember is that it was extremely hot that day and I was alone, and not really in a good state of mind. 24 yrs old should have been fun and full of some promise and happiness, instead it was terror hell and desperation.

Got to do laundry tomorrow afternoon, unfortunately. It's the worst, most tedious errand ever. Or one of them. Then going to eat PB&J and drink iced tea all night, and sleep. If I can manage to get my laundry done, it'll be a major accomplishment. I have my appt. Monday afternoon.
I'm not really having huge life success out in California. It's come to a good place, though. I'm
happy with that. I have to let the rest go, and I have, but when you're alone all the time, all you have is the time to think about the ways people went out their way to hurt you and mess you up.
It's really painful and hurtful. I didn't deserve to be corrupted by assholes like I was all those years ago, at the most formative time in my early 20's.

(Love when people sit too close and then proceed to stare. It's always welcome, really. Really socially acceptable, too.)

I don't know what the future holds. I thought about trying to become an esthetician or something but you have to go to school. I'm not really sure what amazing job I might have gotten if I had my BA in English Lit from Montclair State. A lot of people with the same level of education are working crappy jobs making less than 35K a year. College is such a scam sometimes. Depending on what college you go to.

I'm waiting for about 9:45pm to get the bus, groan. It's not the most pleasant experience to be on muni in the mission, on Saturday night. It's kind of like freak show of semi-epic proportions. That gets old very quick. Trust.

I'm going to plan a trip back East in November, I think. Maybe even stay at the New Yorker again. The weather should be less frigid, too, I can walk around and have some experience. Get some perspective about the future. Maybe I'll strip my hair and dye it a lighter red soon, too.

I never really know if I'm horrible looking. Sometimes I feel like monstrous. My outfit is so horrible tonight. This coat is so off. Everything is off, I feel. I bought a faux-leather jacket from this little boutique, but it's such a piece of crap. 90 dollars for a junk coat. Everything there is flimsy and size xxsmall or 0. It's like H&M quality but more expensive. Kind of a rip off.

I guess that's all for now. Boring and repetetive am I. Adios.

Fuzzy head

On Monday night, before I went to sleep, I had a sneeze fit and felt a cold coming on. Sure enough, it came full force at about 4am this morning, when I was at work. Horrible. I had deja vu
of last November when I was so sick but kept going to work, then lost my voice and had a
gross cough for about 1 week. Not wanting to repeat that, I gave in and called out sick.

Calling out sick from graveyard shifts is hard, and I feel bad. Not guilty, because I actually am
sick, but bad because someone will have to cover my shift. But working graveyard when you
are sick is actually very stupid, b/c it basically destroys your performance. There's no point.
It's like fighting the inevitable. Talking to clients and their patients, etc., while sneezing and
and coughing is not good. I'm hoping I feel much better tomorrow morning. We'll see.

At certain times, when I would call out sick, my coworker would immediately call out when I
returned. She is so desperate to not work, she probably thought that we could switch shifts and
it would be cool. Not really, though. I rarely call out. This is probably my fourth sick day
in almost 2 years. That's not bad. I hope she doesn't even know I called out today. I'm not
trying to go in on my nights off just in case someone calls. I did that a few times and it's hard
and you end up angry and resentful of your time being taken.

I woke up today around 12:30pm and felt horrid. Bought some gelato and fruit for later on,
but I feel like roadkill. A shower didn't help. I can't sleep, either, and hope I get good rest
tonight. I have the urge to sneeze, but nothing is happening.

Jurassic Park is on later on, so that's something to look forward to. I'm so happy I just
did it and called out. I had a bad cold a few months ago but went in the whole work week
and felt like I was on death's door for 2 nights in a row. Horrible. The nurses I talked to at
points throughout the night kept asking me if I was sick, too. Horrible.

I'm going to try and just rest until I go to sleep tonight. Crossing my fingers this thing is
out of my system by tomorrow afternoon. Adios.

Strange Dreams

Last night I slept pretty well, but had the strangest dreams. In one of them was David Duchovny, which was odd because I've never really thought about him or any show he's been
on, except the X-Files. The second dream was more of a strange, cabin in the woods kind
of nightmare mixed with some Hansel and Gretel fairy tale and I'll skip that one. Erase it.

Third dream was some kind of warm place with houses similar to ones you might find in
someplace like Miami. Everyone looked as if they had just gotten out of a pool and had wet hair.
Then I woke up and felt as though I had slept for 12 hours or so but it was only 7am. And
city road crews started drilling at 7:30! That's so wrong. So early and rude. I don't care if
it's Tuesday and most people are off to work. A lot of people aren't!

Feeling a little sick, too. Blarg. I hope this is just some little bug that comes from being
run-down on a lack of sleep, and the schedule switch. It's pretty warm out today, maybe the
pollen count is high or something. I hope it goes away. There's nothing worse than working
at night while having a bad cold. It's horrible and people you talk to on calls can always tell
you're sick, and usually comment on it, too, like "oh, are you under the weather? little cold?
poor thing!" yeah, thanks.

I took a shower and hoped that would jump start me into a state of healthy morning
bliss, but I still felt run down. Did about 50 lbs of laundry and that wiped out any good
feelings of post-warm-shower bliss.

I've been drinking these Rock Star guarana energy drinks. They have guava juice in them
and are supposedly good for you. I'm not sure if that's accurate or not, but they taste
kind of like some sort of exotic fruity bubblegum with carbonated water thrown in, and
seem to have the same effect as coffee. I drink one a day when I'm at work, but might just
opt for coffee this week to safe some money. The computer set me back at bit, but I'm very
happy to have it. Writing is very important and theraputic to me, and I need to get back to
it on a regular basis. I also need to get a new ipod, perhaps. Maybe even and ipad one day.

My emotional situation is ok some days, pretty bad on other days. I just feel very lonely
and unnattractive. It's not the best combination of feelings. Also, I'm feeling this need, at times,
to have children, but it's just a small feeling, not like I am anxiously awaiting being a mom
and playing softball with kids, or taking them to gymboree and kids r us. Nothing like that,
just more of a physical, biological thing. Still, it's usually a prelude to a hollow, empty sort of
emotion, and I don't like it. It brings me down, and I'm already down. :(.

I feel like I'm doing everything pretty much the right way for myself, except the slight
abnormality of my schedule, and my daily trips for coffee and energy drinks at the Allstar
Cafe, which is a kind of scary looking 24 hr donuts/coffee/sandwiches place close to work.
I try to avoid it some nights, but the lure of caffeine is too great. I tried going to works sans
caffeine a few nights and it was rough. All of these research articles I've read about how to
work and survive the graveyard shift have said to avoid caffeine and just bring healthy
food with you, then they mention basically how this shift can lead to an earlier certain death.
Nice, right? Very reassuring and comforting. Apparently, your Circadian rhythms are disturbed
by working all night, and the melatonin that is released when darkness falls makes you
tired, so you're fighting all of those things to stay awake. It's not really hard, more like a
sort of zombie state you find yourself in at 4 in the morining, which now feels like 2pm to me
some nights.

I look like a reject cast member from The Walking Dead, as in, one of the zombie extras who
wasn't needed that day and sent home, most days when I'm off, and especially in the mornings
when I come home. I guess that's a perk to being single, you can look as bad as you want and
not have to worry. If I had a boyfriend, I would definitely have a hard time surrending to the
sans makeup, natural look. I also probably would not eat nearly as much as I do now, which
really isn't that much.

I'm worried about my future. I don't want to be 45 years old and single, childless, struggling.
I need to get these tattoos lasered off of my hands first. And start saving money. That's so
important but I can't seem to do it. I always need or want things. Nicer clothes. Boots that
I never wear. A haircut or hair dye. New glasses are what I need and will try to get next month.
New comforter. A nicer TV stand than the old crappy one I have now. A fan for hot days.
Some new kitchenware. Maybe some magets for the fridge. A new chair. I feel like all of
this takes so long to accomplish, though. A car. I should really get a car. Just do it. Get my
license, and try to buy some crappy POS that I can drive to and from work, and maybe to
Target in Emeryville once in awhile. Then I need insurance. Another 200 a month. Plus
cable, PGE, student loans, and groceries. It never stops.

My aunt called me last night and I always really enjoy talking with her. She's a lot like my mom
was and they were very close, too. She told me she spoke to my cousin, who I used to be
close to, and mentioned that I had tried to reach out for her on Facebook last year, then was
pretty hurt when she completely ignored me, and never wrote back or called. She claimed she
never got any emails, and took my phone # from my aunt, promising to call. Well, big shocker,
she never did call. She's a little shady and probably still smokes a bunch of weed on a weekly
basis, too. I'm not crying about it.

That's all for today. Going to watch a movie and nap, and try to get pumped for a new work
week. It's hard to change your schedule, it really is. You basically have to retrain yourself to
prepare for new work days and new weekend days. I think I' m going to enjoy having Sunday
and Monday off a lot more in the coming weeks. Adios.

A little depressed.

I'm feeling a little blue today, but am excited about my new computer. I decided to stop wasting money on clothes I never wear and makeup I never use--hello, I work at night and no one sees me or my purple eyelids--so I made an adult decision/purchase. I'm happy. Happy I could afford a nice laptop and have some entertainment at home.

I've come a long way, I guess. Cable TV, a nice flatscreen, I pay all my own bills, keep everything
clean, and do a pretty decent job at work. I'm going to get my hand tattoos lasered off in the coming months and then my professional future will be better. I'm not comfortable with them
anymore, being in a much better place in my life now, at 29, than I was at 24. I shudder at
the thought.

My niece is a wonderful, adorable little person. I'm very happy for my sister and her husband. I was a little depressed today when I was with them, mainly because I felt like that might never be me. Will I have a child? A husband or boyfriend? Who will want to marry me? Probably no one. I'm not extremely good-looking. A little strange looking, actually. I've tried to make peace with that sad fact. There's nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes at work I get so tired. I'm tired of people and their horrible attitudes. Tired of
screaming children and their clueless parents. Tired of my co-worker who messes up her
calls all the time. But it's pretty good, for the most part.

Moving to Oakland was a good decision. Very good. Lake Merritt is safe enough and affordable. My apartment is extremely small, but the nice thing is that I have an actual kitchen, not a little
studio kitchenette. The foyer is cute, and the bathroom is nice, w/ an old clawfoot tub. Very
old-fashioned and cute. Of course I feel still like other people my age have their own homes
and houses, children and are married. And some of them still haven't moved out of their
parents' houses either, so I would say I'm in-between. The middle of the road.

I don't know really what the future has in store for me, but how can anyone know. I'm pretty
much not going to stress on it. I'm turning 30 next year. Sometimes I think about what life will be like at 45 and it's extremely frightening.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab w. Dr.Drew last night and there is this girl named Shelly
who works at the Pasadena Rehab Center. She's heavily tattooed on her arms and has kind
of a cool, retro style and vibe. And she is probably close to 40 or over 40. I'm hoping I can have a career similar to hers one day. I enjoy helping people in moments of great distress, and have
a lot of personal experience. I think that could be a calling for me.

I have thought about moving back East, but that is really not going to happen for me. You have to make wise decisions that will improve your life in a realistic way, not chase the fucking past,
esp. when the past was pretty horrible.

I've tried to be super thin and look great, but you know what? It's hard and makes me feel ill.
My menstrual cycle suffers and I get sick. And I'm miserable. I feel a little overweight, but
I can't do anything about it. I don't overeat, and walk a lot. I think working at night is a factor
with my metabolism. Maybe I'll join a gym soon or something.

My new schedule is pretty good. It's nice to be off Sunday nights. True Blood is getting a bit better. I was worried when the season started that it was going off of the rails too much.
Curb Your Enthusiasm is always a winner. Larry reminds me a little of the bald older guy
I met five years ago at Johnny's Bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I have a feeling he
was Jewish, too. I could be wrong, though.

I've tried to put that behind me, but it's still hard. He seemed wonderful and strong, and
funny. Like a perfect, older guy. Safe and established. I was so hoping when I got off the plane
in Newark last winter, this man would have been there, waiting for me somewhere. To confirm
my assumption about who he was. Of course that didn't happen.

It was snowing in NYC when I got to my hotel, and about zero degrees. I hoped to go out to
the same club I met him at, and maybe he would be there. Right. Still wearing the same plaid
shirt, too. He maybe have not even lived in Manhattan any longer for all I knew. He may
be married or divorced, or an eternal bachelor. I don't know.

**I'm hoping this computer is going to be a good investment. The monitor has been skipping
the keys on this blog.**

I do still think about him. I can't help it. He had a wonderful quality to him that must have
rubbed off on me right away. I thought a lot of things, but none of them happened. I even
thought for awhile that he was somewhere in San Francisco, and I would be able to be together
with him one day. I don't understand what happened. I wanted to be with this man so much
it made me feel like my entire body was literally on fire and enflamed. It was a horrible feeling
and wonderful, too. Horrible, though, because I couldn't control it. I even thought about
things like having children. He must have had a lot of testosterone or something for a reaction
like that to happen. I only talked to him and sat with him for maybe 2 hours or so.

It's time to watch some TV and relax. Buenos noches.