Last night was long and I spoke to some very rude and stupid people. And some nice and unfortunate people. Kind of par for the course, I suppose. Now it's over and I'm off, TG. All you can do is try your best.

I'm extremely unhappy w/ having 200 USD taken out of my checking account from MyLife.
I'm smart enough, or was smart enough, not to sign up and pay for shady shiz on the www, but now and again, your curiousity is piqued or you get lonely or whateva, right? So I decided to pay about 13 USD for a 1 month trial and look up some people I haven't seen in years.

Cue to astonishment over them almost immediately, as in, the second I put my card numbers in and hit 'done', taking 200 out of my account. I was flabbergasted. I also had to wait until 6am to get an explanation from customer service. They answered right away, but it seemed a little too easy. The girl asked for my email, zip code, and that was it, and was like, poof, your refund is done. I'm hoping that in 7-10 business days the money is back in my account. My trip is creeping closer and I need to save everything I have. I also need to cancel my debit card soon to avoid further charges from these people. I can't even access the account, they never emailed me my password. But the girl sounded nice, (as in, does that even matter anymore), and seemed very willing to fix the error. I'm really hoping that no other funds are going to be drawn from my account for a completely useless service that I can't even access.

I have my 2nd laser removal session tomorrow: not really looking forward to it. Now that I know what to expect, it's pretty bad. My hand will be pretty swollen for about 4-5 days, w/ blisters. Not
pretty. Takes about 2 weeks to heal.

I'm not sure if I should even bother getting my hair done before going back East. I thought about getting lighter brown highlights. I need to get some boots, though, and a warm coat that doesn't make me look like a penguin.

I don't know why people my age are in a mad race to have children. I guess it's not for everyone.

I just can't imagine doing that to my body. I feel like I've missed the boat sometimes, as if I have a hazy image of how my life would have been if my mother hadn't died 12 years ago. I don't know, really. Probably a lot different. I don't think I would have gone through some phases I went through in my later teens, early twenties. It's really hard to process extreme tragedy for children.
I'm not sure how adults don't understand that. I think I chose not to even try to process it,I ignored it for as long as I could until I felt emotions that were too hard to deal with, too hard to ignore. I guess it was going to happen eventually. You can't live in denial forever.

I'm not really sure when it was in my life that people who came into it were actively trying tohurt me in some kind of way. I suppose after my dad died, then after my mom died, it was like,you're alone. There is no responsible adult who really cares about you, your future, or the decisions you make. It's much more complex to raise children once they are almost legal adults. I feel like my development from adolescent to adult just never really happened sometimes.

Indian Summer

It's pretty hot out today, 84 degrees so far. I accomplished some stuff, new clothes, etc., I was in dire need. My clothing situation was looking very grunge, and not the kind that is on purpose. Being thrifty, I went to Old Navy and spent much less than I would have at another department store.

These people who work the kiosks at the malls need to stop doing cocaine or whatever it is that makes them act like raging psychos. This metrosexual kind of guy with a little ponytail on top of his head chased me down, literally, to try their bogus looking shady-euro makeup. I said no, thanks, and he gave me a card. So then once I walked away, he started yelling at me to give him back his card. I walked back, and was like, dude, what the hell is your problem. He goes, with his eyes wide and crazed, "I just want to show you my makeup!" I considered calling the mall concierge to complain. He was too crazy. Those people are usually annoying, but this guy was like, full on, wild eyed, psycho. Maybe he reached his breaking point being rejected by the passers-by all the time. I avoid that mall if I can help it, unless it's time to go back to Victoria's Secret.

I hate shopping. Truly loathe it. Back in college, when I had more money, I remember loving going to the Willow Brook Mall in Wayne, NJ, and spending probably anywhere from 700-800

at Bloomingdale's, Sephora, and sometimes on shoes. I probably spent about 2000 a month on clothing. For a college student, that's pretty ridiculous. And so naive I was to think that I would be able to find a job to support my habits, plus pay rent and bills, too. I can't even really think back on it without cringing. I could have used that money for a car, a down payment on apartment, medical stuff, dental stuff. I was in a horrible state of denial for so long, probably age

12 to age 22. Ten years of depression, denial, psychological decline. At least I'm still young. Whatever! Right? Who cares? Nervous breakdowns happen all the time! If that's what it even was. I don't like to put labels on things.

Something cute, furry, and happy to look at.

This week went by pretty fast. Still, I'm tired. Very blah right now. I talked to an old friend today; sometimes even though you have grudges, you have to be like, 'so what'. As you get older, you might need to have a few people you can always call. I'm learning that the future is not a faraway thing and time moves so fast. No one is impenetratable or invincible.

Except Mickey Rourke.

Swoon.

I've been looking at pics of Hilary Swank for hair inspiration. I can embrace looking a bit like her on a good day. That's a great thing, actually. I don't see it, but I have the same sort of mouth/teeth/facial situation. Her grooming and style is light years beyond mine, though, being an A-list celeb and all. Oh well.

Vacaciones is creeping closer, evvvver so slowwwwly. My diet plan isn't really coming to fruition as much as I thought it would, though. It's not really even made a dent. I think working nights has hampered what metabolism I do, or did, have. I've stopped eating nights, too, just coffee and water. I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting to nothing. I've learned to stop wishing for size 2. Just because I'm tall doesn't equal automatic thinness. Supermodels don't eat, they musn't even be able to breathe the scent of cake for fear of gaining half a pound. I'm over trying to kill myself w/ a diet or 'lifestyle change', if you want to call it that. It's all the same. I've been size 2, even a size 0 at Old Navy, where their clothing runs larger. Maybe it really is all about portion control. I don't really feel like I'm very out of control of anything, though. I think I'm ok. Once I get very thin, my period starts to act haywire, and I can't go down that road again.

October Rust

I'm pretty happy that it's October, and also that it's Sunday. Two good things. Last night wasn't too bad. It's never perfect.

Today's a nice day: cold, gray, and dark. The sun is taking longer to come up, daylight savings is coming soon. My trip to NYC is about a month away. I'm realizing I won't have enough money to do all the things I wanted to do, to get myself ready and looking/feeling good before I go. Oh well. At least I'm going.

I still have nervousness about things though. The semipermanence of things. Things now are pretty permanent, but there is the 10 percent part of the little pie that is titled the 'not knowing
part'. I'm just going to leave that alone, though, or try to.

I found a yoga center in Oakland, about 20 minutes from my apartment: it seems pretty great:
they offer therapy, deep tissue massges, acupuncture, and they have a cute boutique where they sell yoga clothes, mats, bags, etc. Plus the classes are fairly cheap and they offer all kinds of specials. I'm going to go soon, one Sunday evening or Monday morning. I really need to do something for myself that is social, but not too social. I want to really get into it and let my life flow in a more peaceful way, w/ less blockage from all sorts of negative people/energy. I just don't need it anymore. I can't dwell on it, I can't think about it, I can't have it in my life. I'm not going into my 30s still wondering or feeling bad over shit that happened when I was 23 years old. I really feel like centering myself with yoga and taking classes will be a big positive. I can't go every day b/c of work, but even one or two a week will be good. I need to do a lot of re-tooling on myself. I've fallen into a slump.

Coffee shops play the worst music sometimes.

Sometimes I think that being alone is a good thing. I really do. It's hassle-free. Burden-free. I guess companionship is what everyone covets, but it just seems to bring a tons of heartache, eventually. Break-ups and fights. Repeat and repeat. I can't handle things like that. I don't care to even deal with the possibility of a situation like that. People get lazy, or scared of being alone, or they want someone to financially depend on. So many people marry or get involved for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I feel a huge disconnect from other people, as humans. It's Sunday morning, and early, and I'm not really into debating things on my blog, but I had to touch on that. California is such a strange place. It's such a magnet for horrible low lifes, horrible yuppies, wannabe gurus, wannabes in general. If you have a lot of success, that's great, but I just feel like there is something so strange and slightly off about people out here. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not me.

I've thought about trying to move to Philadelphia. There's affordable housing and probably more jobs than other places. And it's back East, slightly familiar scenery. I've got to do something. Make some kind of change. I can't just be in California forever. I don't feel like it will be good for me if I wake up in 10 years, still living here. That thought gives me the bad chills, actually. Very bad.

Moving is the worst kind of hassle, and I can't imagine dragging my possessions across the country. Apartments don't fall out of the sky. Landlords are suspicious by nature and most of them check credit. If they don't, they're either extremely cool and understanding about life's difficulties, or the place is kind of bogus on some level. I think there's a chance that I could move
back East and still keep my job, but it probably would be a slim chance. Also, I'm not sure if Philly is very walkable, but I think it might be. I went down there once and it wasn't too bad. Same things every other city has, crime, violence, some shadiness. You can't escape that unless you move back to the suburbs, I guess. If I did move to Philly, I would have to have a cash cushion and a place to go immediately. Maybe it would be good, a good decision, good place to go. Kind of new territory, but close to some familiarity. If I wanted to visit my aunt, I could take a train and be there in an hour, not fly six hours across the GD country. I just don't want to be out here anymore. I feel so disconnected and I just don't like it. It's not my place. I don't love it here.