Forecast is Foggy

I haven't been into the city around sunset in awhile, as in, deep down into the city around Union Square, etc etc. It's strange to me that I've lived here for five and half years now. California is really my home, but I'm still getting used to it. It always just feels like a place I am crashing at, but am not really meant to be at. I guess that is a sign that I should move elsewhere. If after five years you don't feel comfortable someplace, it's probably time to move on. I'm going to a music festival tomorrow. It's not something I have done in years, maybe even about a decade. So I went out and spent some money on items for a good outfit to wear. I should be saving it for my supposed big move next summer, but June 2013 is still far enough away where I can put enough away from now to then. I sold part of my soul to the yuppie devil and went to Lululemon for yoga pants. I think I will never go there again. That is not by any means, in any terms, a very Kate kind of place. The girl behind the counter suspiciously eyed my tattoo on my hand and then probably remembered she had to act nice and friendly, and began asking me all about my day, blah blah blah. I just wanted to run out of there and not even buy anything, but it was too late. Lululemon is not a very tattoo-friendly place. I should have stopped at one or two big ones, but I just kept on going, like an asshole. I hate them now, I wish I could just scrub them right off forever. Word to the wise: don't get heavily tattooed. So I guess I'm too alternative to shop at chi chi yoga stores, I should probably just order online from now on and save myself the anxiety. Much easier to deal with the UPS guy on your doorstep, anyway. My friend from NJ, old high school friend, has moved to Washington State, Seattle to be exact. We had been talking on and off, and I saw her when I went back to NJ a few weeks ago. It was fun and we had a good time, had some drinks and reminisced. Anyway, now she is in Seattle, and called me last week, then said she'd have to call back. So I texted her but had no response. And then I called her tonight but there was no answer or return call. It's probably not a bad thing, I kind of was getting tired of reconnecting. I dropped out of college partly because of problems related to this person and people I had become friends with through her, and she caused me a lot of drama over the years. So maybe a kind of fading into the sunset isn't so bad. You know what is bad? Crowded coffee houses. It's nice to have space, be on your computer, drink your drink, and do your thing, but not when all of these strangers are all up in your grill and whatnot. I swear, my social anxiety has gotten so bad that I hardly go out anymore. Another five years will go by and I'll be 35 (NOOO!!!) and completely shut in to my apartment. Although, I hope that when I'm 35, I'll be living in a nicer apartment or even a house, having a better job, and that this goddamn laser tattoo removal will have worked. It's not working that well, by the way. The guy who does it has zero personality and hardly says a word, he just looks at me with a blank stare and asks a few questions. A couple times he made comments like, 'it's really working' 'i can see a difference already' and I know he is bullshitting me, and doing it badly. I'll give it another couple of tries, but if this isn't doing anything major by about November, I'm going to stop going to this place. I'm in hell. Yes, I feel like I have died and gone to hell, and am damned forever by a few bad choices I made when I was 22 years old. By a couple asshole people I thought were good friends, and some uncaring relatives. Boo-hoo, right? Well, when it ruins your fucking life you pretty much feel like bawling your eyes out every night before your crawl into your bed/cough in your closet-sized studio apartment. Or every morning since I work nights.