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I woke up so early today, at 5am. Maybe it's the daylight savings time holdover or something. I've been paranoid about my health, especially lately. After doing a lot of reasearch about all kind of health problems on the www, I feel a little bit pacified, but not 100%. But I'm going to put that on the backburner for a bit and focus on my trip back to NYC to visit my family/have a few days vacay, in less than 1week.

I've been planning this trip for awhile, but haven't really reached goals I had for myself like: a) lose 40 lbs. (I don't really need to lose 40 lbs. Maybe 10 at the most.) b) buy some new glasses, like DKNY or Versace. (didn't happen. Eye glasses usually cost me about 400 for a good pair. No bueno.) c) Get some great outfits to wear. (also didn't happen. I have a new Old Navy sweaters that have shrunk after 1 washing and jeans that are slightly too big or too small.) d) do all of the above, and still manage to save about 500 dollars for incidentals, like getting my hair done and saving money for cabs, if I need it. Figuring out public transportation in NYC, to me, is like trying to do Calculus. Basically impossible.

SO. I will barely have enough to cover my hostel/hotel situation, and then a gift for my aunt. I guess that's ok. But, see, I am a very anxious type of person. I always have been, since childhood. I stress, stress, stress over little things, big things, things in-between, and things that haven't even happened yet. I hope to have a good time and not stress the fact that I can't afford a Burberry coat, or Frye boots, or highlights at Bumble and Bumble. Maybe next year. I just want to look my best in case something good happens. After yesterday evening/morning, though, I just want to get out of California for a week and away from this cesspool.

Night from Hell

I'm sitting at home, warm, cozy, in sweats, ready for Sunday night TV. There's a lot of good TV on tonight, too. But my night last night, while calm at work, was the commute from HELL. SATAN was in full form last night, busting out his minions in triple time. Ok, not really, but kind of something similar.

Sometimes I'm a little too early for work, which is ok. I hate being late and that drives me to always be a tad too early. Also, I don't want to be standing around waiting for AC transit to show up at 10pm, then have to walk, in the dark, dimly lit
street, to the subway stop. So I leave early, no biggie. I'll get off at another stop in the city and browse the drug store for a bit, get some Red Bull, magazines, etc.

So I do this. I go back out to wait for the bus. Now, I have had a good run for awhile. No street harrassment. No strange men hurling obscenities or insults. None of it. But I think last night/this morning made up for about 8 mths of peaceful commuting, more or less. At the bus stop there's a group of youngish guys. Kind of thuggish, in that fake MTV way. I'm putting on my scarf and one of the group, I guess their little ringleader, tries to talk to me. I was nice and vague, but it was cold, raining, and I'm too old for this shit. Poor little guy's ego couldn't handle rejection from a woman he a) didn't know, who was b) alone, and c) very unassuming, so he started on this insane rant about how women are bitches and he kept screaming about me as 'that bitch over there.' It was vile and horrible. An older guy standing at the stop felt bad for me, I think, and kind of moved over to where I was standing. It was very bad. I hadn't done anything but be nice, then kind of stop talking and go back to MY BUSINESS. This little a-hole's friends looked embarrassed and didn't say anything. Their friend completely clowned himself all over a woman he didn't know, who could have been 35 and married for all he knew. Once again, DON'T HARRASS WOMEN. Even if you think you're being funny or you really just have to say hello, it's not welcome, in a public transit stop, at 10pm in the night. It's just not. If you don't know that, you're either poorly educated or just a complete dumbass.

So I just dust it off, right? I'm like, seasoned to the freaks who come out at night and don't even care. It's my last night, I have my coffee, my power bar, my umbrella. Whatever. Work was fine, kind of long, and being daylight savings time change, I worked at 9 hour night. But will still get paid for only 8 hrs. But I wasn't even really tripping off of this or much eles. Not even the obscene toolbag from the bus stop. Whatever! Right?

This morning, I had another coffee run. I usually go to a sandwich shop that opens early, and the girl working there is always so nice, too. That helps. No weirdos. If I have extra cash, I'll leave 5 $ in the tip jar, and I gave a few dollars to a completely insane homeless crackhead, too, today. I felt so bad. The woman was just about on death's door.

So I drink the coffee, get up, leave, go to the subway. I'm walking down the long hall to the train, and out pops another horrible, dirty, crazy, missing teeth covered in dirt homeless man freak, who screams out, as if on command, fucking goofy bitch! I mean, it was like staccato gunfire. I was almost shocked at how many times I was verbally assaulted and called a bitch for nothing except trying to GO TO WORK AND GO HOME FROM WORK. ALONE. UNASSUMING. Does this happen to other people? Other women? I came home feeling very horrible, and ugly, too. Then I do what I always do when I feel insecure, which is take self portraits with my Blackberry, which, in turn, makes me even more secure because after 9 hours at work, on the graveyard shift, then a long commute home, makeup melted off, hair fucked up, bad early morning sunshine lighting, I look like Gollum. I had to take a long shower to wash away the horrible shame I felt of apparently being a really ugly, goofy bitch who gets attacked by horrible strange men. It was so bad. :(

My NYC trip is in 1 week exactly. I have a lot to do this week. Must confirm my hotel reservation and print out flight and hotel itinerary, go to H&M for some stuff,
borrow a carry on from my sister. Go to the bank when I get paid on Friday morning. I'll be extremely broke when I get back, but whatever. I also must get a birthday present for my aunt. I was thinking about getting her some turquoise jewelry. My mother loved turquoise and it would be a nice memory.

I just want to have a good week. No crazy scenes at the subway. Just calm and fine.
This time next week I'll be at my hotel in Manhattan, and am hoping it's not absolutely freezing. I need to try and have a good time this time. Last year I hibernated in my hotel room and was only there for a little over a night.

My tattoo removal is coming along, slowwwly. It hasn't really made a dent. Being broke sucks bigtime. I wanted to do all of this stuff to get myself a little more glam before going back East, get new boots, new glasses, and my hair done, and can't afford to do any of it. I'm hoping that I actually have a good time and am not wasting my money on this.